The Fifteenth Year

Epilogue: Part 9

Tuesday, October 27, 2015 (continued)

I cursed on my way to my car as I hurried home to shower and change for the rehearsal that night. I got off work late and was running behind schedule. I rode to the hall with my parents, relieved that despite the rush I had cleaned up somewhat well. 

The night went off without a hitch. I met Cal (he was perfect for Tracy), Tracy had stars in her eyes, the walk-through of the ceremony went well, and the dinner was lovely. Jason and I didn't find a chance to really talk that night but I don't think it was my imagination that I caught him looking at me several times. I wasn't sure what to make of it. Here I was trying to get him out of my head and putting the past behind me where it belonged and continue on my path of moving on, and I couldn't breathe with him looking at me. Maybe it was just surreal for him to see after all this time. He was with someone else. It didn't have to mean he missed me.

As I got ready for bed that night and laid out my dress for the ceremony tomorrow, I got a text from Tessa. She wanted to know how the rehearsal went. I told her I was confused, that I was eager for Jason to return to Philly so I didn't have to see him every day and think about him anymore and that Tracy's wedding was going to be beautiful and I liked her fiancé. She had already heard about our lunch talk over coffee and how it was like no time had ever passed between us.

"Babe, you can't keep this all bottled up inside," she wrote back. "Remember how that killed you last time? You're not fifteen anymore. Tell him how you feel."

"He's with someone else. We live in different cities. I don't play games that way and it wouldn't make any sense."

"But Cassie, you love him."

I sighed and typed back, "Last time I didn't need to say anything. It fell into place on its own. If it's meant to be, that'll happen again. I'm not going to screw up the friendship we've finally regained."

Then I went to sleep telling myself I was being mature. I've rocked Jason's world plenty already. Now that he was finally happy, I wasn't going to be selfish. If he wanted me to wouldn't be with Bridget and he wouldn't be silent. Simple as that.

I sat respectively by my parents at the ceremony, the music of the cello swelling as bridesmaids made their way down the aisle. Cal's groomsmen stood near him, and Jason made eye contact with me and smiled in that way that says, "here we go." I smiled back. It was a look for Tracy. We grew up together and we were happy for her. This was one of those days our families had talked about: the kids getting married. Tracy was first. And it was no surprise to any of us. Tracy was never shy about her craving for a family one day, and she was incredibly kind and sweet; a carbon copy of Monique.

After dinner and speeches from the best man and maid of honor at the reception, the dance floor opened up. Tracy and Cal were so in love as they shared their first dance, and I made my way over to the bunch bowl to rehydrate.

"It's a nice picture, isn't it?" Jason's voice appeared from beside me. He was grabbing a slice of cake next to me, and looked over at his sister with her whole married life ahead of her. "Think we'll have that one day?"

I felt my heart racing. I knew he wasn't talking about him and me. He couldn't be. Right? But his eyes were soft and his voice wasn't teasing. Still, I squared my shoulders and answered, "Don't ask me. I'm not the one in a relationship. You'd know more about that than I would." And I smiled politely and walked away from him. I felt an ache in my chest as I did that, but I was creating space. It wasn't right the way we flirted at the coffeehouse. It wasn't like the past where he was with Lydia - I was able to justify it then because Lydia has been awful, but it wasn't like that now. We were adults and we knew better. And I didn't know Bridget. She could love him; she could be an incredibly wonderful woman. And this wasn't fair to her. And Jason wasn't being fair to me. He didn't know how I felt so it wasn't like he was causing me turmoil on purpose, but there needed to be boundaries now. If I was going to truly get over him once and for all, I couldn't pretend we had something there when it just wasn't true. It was time to grow up. And I was going to be respectful to his relationship, think about the good of our families, and think about what was best for my new future - and that didn't entail getting it caught up in this again. I hoped this would send a clear message.

I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and get some air and when I came back about five minutes later, my brother was standing on the other side of the ladies' room door. 

I jumped. "Jeez, Brendan. You scared the crap out of me."

He gave me an 'I'm not stupid' look. "What are you doing?" he demanded softly.

"I know that look. Don't get big brotherly. What are you talking about?" I asked, not ready for whatever lecture he had prepared.

"Don't play dumb," he replied. "I just saw you blow off Jason back there. What's going on?"

"Really? You're spying on me?"

"Cassie. What's the problem? You guys fighting or something?"

"Of course not," I said. "What's there to fight about? I haven't seen him in a year."

"Exactly, and there's enough sexual tension between the two of you to blow up Mount St. Helen."

"First off, gross. You're my brother. Never say 'sex.' Two, even if that were true, why would you care?"

"Because you're my baby sister, and I want to make sure you're okay. You guys have a past and to look at you guys from across a room, I got to tell - it doesn't look very past."

"I'm fine," I said immediately. "Okay? Now go dance with Whitney and mind your own business." I pushed past him, frustrated.

He grabbed my arm. "I mean well. Come on. You think I don't see what's going on? He's clearly not over you."

I pulled my arm away. "You're seeing things. You're seeing what you want to see."

"Damn right I am. You guys never should've broke up in the first place. You belong together."

"Brendan, when are people going to understand? He is in the frickin' NFL. And he chose somebody else. We have a history and that's all. Now drop it?" I hurried past him with my long dress swishing between my legs, and went to the open bar. Forget punch. I needed something stronger if I was going to get through this night in one piece.

TO BE CONTINUED