The Fifteenth Year

January: Part 5

Saturday, January 8, 2005

Dear Friend,

Brendan found a place. I'm crushed. What is with this week, dude? Come on. Our house won't be the same without him.

"I'll still make all the traditions with the Conners' and everything, Cassie. I'll still be there for all the important stuff. Heck, I'll probably be by every weekend missing Mom's cooking and doing some laundry if the washer there sucks."

"It's not the same and you know it," I muttered, glaring at him. "This is totally unfair."

"Such is growing up, little sister," he said with a shrug.

I looked at the floor.

"Hey," he gently said, "You've been sensitive lately." He laid a hand on my shoulder. "Everything will be okay. I promise. What's going on with you?"

I avoided the question. "Kids leave home at nineteen or twenty if not for college dorms. You just turned eighteen in October, Brendan. Why are you in such a hurry to leave? Are we that hard to live with?"

"Of course not. But that's the point. I'm not a college student. If I'm going to be responsible, get a life, and make myself the kind of man that deserves Charlotte, I need to get started. My buddy Rob and I are getting a place together and I'm working plenty of shifts. I just need a change of scenery is all. Part of growing up. Experience and learning."

I sighed.

"Please don't be mad at me. I expected this from Mom and Dad, but not from you. You're so sensible, Cassie. I thought you'd understand."

"I do," I whispered. "I'm just going to miss you is all."

He pulled me into a hug. "I'll miss you too."

Sunday, January 9, 2005

Dear Friend,

Tessa's mom picked me up so Tessa and I could go to the sporting goods store. Tessa would pretend to look at the merchandise then duck behind a rounder of clothes and peek around it.

"Not that I'm not enlightened, Tessa, but would you mind telling me what exactly you think you're doing?"

"Cassie, my mom is a sexy woman."

"Oh, Lord," I groaned.

"Shut up. Listen. She's our ride. She is essentially stuck here, going no place until we're done shopping, right?"

"Yeah..."

"Okay. Like I said. Hot guys here. Albeit, older guys mostly. I pretend I need to come home so my mom will get a date with one of these dudes. She's lonely, Cassie. And I want my mom to be happy. I'm the rare find that wants a stepdad. Eventually she's going to quit looking at the magazine racks and one of these gentlemen are going to talk her out of her shell, and - "

"Hold on. So how many times have you actually come here to do this?"

"Every weekend."

"Since?"

"Oh come on. You want an actual number?" She scoffed before abruptly pointing to a guy on the escalator. "Hottie alert!"

"I think it's necessary," I answered, almost frightened at this point.

"Nine, okay? No big deal."

She's determined. I'll give her that.

"What about you, Miss Judgy?" she asked, hands on her hips. "Have you called him?"

"Who? Jason?"

She rolled her eyes. "No. President Bush. Yes, Jason!"

"No."

"Cassie. Why?"

"Because. There isn't anything more to say."

"Babe, he misses you. You've said a million times that regardless of the outcome you didn't want him out of your life completely. So what is this? He doesn't want that either."

I sighed. "I just need some time. How can I get over him if I'm always around him? What would I do? Pretend? I can't do that. But I can't tell him he broke my heart either. That would kill him. I need him to respect my space."

"So tell him that. Don't just blow him off."

I looked at a jacket hanging on the rounder. "He'll get the message."

She didn't understand how embarrassing the whole ordeal was. Was Jason trying to make it up to me? Yes. Was it sweet? Yes. But I'm just not ready to face him yet. Is that so terrible? I feel like sometimes people forget that I'm only fifteen. And this is my first heartbreak. I'm not sure if time heals all wounds, but I'm certainly going to cling to that notion and try it out.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Dear Friend,

Brendan is going to be leave soon. He's getting his stuff into boxes, and he and his buddy Rob already signed their lease. I don't want this to happen, but it's too late. He put his deposit down and is getting the keys at the end of the week. I know I'm not losing my brother, but it feels like it. I'm losing my best friend, my brother, and my sanity. I hate it when everything changes.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Dear Friend,

I saw Jason in the hall headed for the drinking fountain today, so I ducked and hid from him. I know, I know. How juvenile am I? And when I was upstairs doing homework, he'd apparently called. I told my mom I had a test to prepare for so I couldn't talk to him. So I sort of lied. Judge me all you like. I don't care.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Dear Friend,

Jason hasn't tried to call me today. I guess he got the hint. Eventually I'll seek him out. I hope he understands it's not that I don't forgive him. I'm just sad, humiliated, and needing to get over this on my own. He isn't the friend I need right now. We've been friends a long time, like he said. So he knows me in a way nobody else does. I think he processing now that I'm the kind of person that needs a waiting period. If he's the kind of friend he says he is, he'll understand and wait on me. I'll come to him when I'm ready.

A bit of a cold front came through Cali today, so I have on my dad's college sweatshirt while I do some homework. Harriet took the initiative to ask me if I wanted some extra help with math. It was nice of her to think of me, so I may take her up on it next week.