The Fifteenth Year

January: Part 9

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Dear Friend,

Whoa. I am writing this as fast as I can because I don't want to forget a second of this for as long as I live.

I met Jason at the lake. He was waiting for me when I got there.

As soon as he saw me, he let out a breath and said, "I was worried you wouldn't come."

"I said I would," I replied as I approached. "What's up?"

He met my eyes. "A lot. But first I want to say from the bottom of my heart...I'm sorry. Like, crazy sorry."

I flinched. "Jason, we really don't need to - "

"Yes, we do." He grabbed my shoulders. "Cassie, you're the last person I would want to take advantage of. Okay? To kiss you, call it something not horribly significant, and then not even realize that you...you hadn't kissed anyone before? That was really...douchy of me."

I shrugged. "It was the way you felt."

"It was stupid. I mean, you're fifteen years old. What the hell was I thinking? That you kissed all these guys before? I've never seen you bring a guy to your house to be dead honest with you. You're right. I disappeared for a couple years there. Have you ever even had a boyfriend? Of course not. You're selective. You were waiting for the right one because you're so much smarter than I am, and I just - "

"Jason. Jason. Stop." I held up my hands to silence him. "You didn't know. Did I come here for more beating of a dead horse?"

He shook his head. "You were right. You had every right to be upset with me. You were trying to have a direct conversation with me and I should've manned up and I was...freaked out. You know? Our friendship has always been just that: a friendship. There's too much at stake to even...explore feelings. But that doesn't mean I should've hid from them."

I sighed. "You don't do a very good job of it, you know. Jason...you're entitled to your feelings, okay? Or lack of them as the case appears to be. But listen...if this is what you want, to be friends? Then this has to stop."

"I'm sorry?"

"You can't keep doing this to me. Asking me to meet you privately, grabbing my hand, kissing me, flirting with me - like on the phone just two days ago. We used to always tease each other but it comes off as flirting now given our...recent turn of events. There has to be boundaries. If you don't want me, then please - quit chasing me. Don't call me, don't touch me, and don't flirt with me. Don't ask my brother to fight your battles for you. This isn't easy for me," I exclaimed, frustrated.

"You think I meant to lead you on?"

"Why the heck else are you doing it? You never said you liked me back so what excuse do you have for pulling all those stunts?"

He froze. "Like me...back? Wait. Cassie, you - you like me?"

Oh, God. My anger dissipated. I felt the color leave my face. My knees wobbled. What in the world did I do now?

"Cassie."

I swallowed, stood up straighter. Shoulders back. "That's past us now. You owe me an explanation. That's why I'm here."

He took a step closer to me. "I was not leading you on," he said in a low voice. "Not intentionally anyway. I...I felt drawn to you. It was this out of body experience I couldn't explain. There would be these moments...these electric moments between us. It was weird. Crazy. Like I was seeing you for the first time. Like I finally figured out what kind of heart you really have. I don't know if you changed, or if I have, or if you've always been this way and I just never really appreciated it until we started spending time around each other again, but... Listen, that's not the conversation I want to have right at this moment. Did you say you liked me?"

I closed my eyes, stuck my shaking hands in my pockets and said a silence prayer to all that is holy. Here goes.

I looked at him and said softly, "I'm in love with you, you idiot."

Now we matched. His eyes grew twice their size, color left his face, and his mouth formed an O. Suddenly his eyes flashed recognition. It all began to hit him. Why I was never a fan of Lydia, why I gave him an autographed football, etc. Words fumbled out of him with as much eloquence as a seizure. "You...You love - and I paraded Lydia - and then New Year's! - and then the things I said! Oh! Oh my God, I'm so stupid! I mean..." Then he stopped abruptly and glared at me. "Cassie, why the hell would you never say anything?"

I gave him a dubious look. "Give me a break, Jason. I see the girls that hang around you. They're stacked; gorgeous. Outgoing. Not short, pale bookworms like me. You would've laughed in my face."

He shook his head. "That's not true."

"Really? You treat me like a little sister half the time. 'Always dependable Cassie; great for girl advice, a butt in the seats at sporting events to cheer me on. That girl whose birthdays I always attend. Always the friend, never the girlfriend.'"

He flinched. "Is that really how you see me? If you really think I'm that crappy of a friend, why would you ever want me in the first place?"

"No," I clarified. "That's how I see myself."

"Cassie...those things make you a really good friend, but that's not all that you're about. Those are lame excuses. Tell me honestly." He was inches from my face now. "Why is this the first I'm hearing about this?" he whispered.

I swallowed a rock the size of Jupiter in my throat. "I thought you would laugh at me. I thought I would lose you."

"Never," he whispered, and then he pressed his lips to mine. Before I lost control of my will, I pulled away and stared at him. He looked braced for me to hit him.

"You wanted to know where I stood after New Year's... Surprise," he said helplessly.

That's when I grabbed his face and kissed him back. I felt his bottom lip move up underneath mine and return my affection.

The world spun. The fireworks I was experiencing could've knocked the Earth off its axis. And maybe it did. Because in what universe could I ever be this lucky? My best friend, my neighbor, my confidant, the cutest boy in school...wanted to kiss me.

My lips hungered for more when we separated. He looked at me carefully, nervously, hopeful. "Am I too late?" he asked.

A laugh rippled out of me. I held him close and whispered, "You're just in time."

He sighed, a hand tangled in my blonde hair. "I've been a fool. As soon as you left that day, I went home and I thought about it. I thought about what these past few months have meant to me, why in the world I couldn't get you out of my head... I realized what I could've been giving up. I just never realized... I thought you wanted me to regret it all so you could go back to your life. I didn't know what to do after New Year's. What it was you wanted."

I pulled out of his embrace and tilted my head, vulnerable. "What is it that you want? Don't pity me, Jason. I don't want this out of guilt..."

He grabbed my wrists. "That is not what I am doing." He lowered his head. "This is coming out all wrong." He slid his hands up to my elbows and looked at me once more. "I figured out that I haven't been a good friend to you. Not at all. You've been an amazing friend. I felt terrible robbing you of your first kiss, trampling over you like that...and after the way I treated you...leaning on you with my mom...parading Lydia around, confusing you...I felt I would've made a terrible boyfriend for you. That was the reason behind the letter. I kept calling but not because I missed what I got out of our friendship or because I felt guilty. The latter was part of it, but Cassie, do you want to know why I kept pushing?"

"Why?"

His hands cupped the back of my shoulders now. "I missed you. The real you. The way you always put me in my place. How you get my jokes. Your cupcakes."

I laughed.

"I missed your laugh. Your wit. I missed your presence...just simply being around you. I've never really missed a girl before."

This was what movies were made out of. Was this really happening to me?

I bit my lip. "So what happens now?"

"I have no idea. We could...talk? Under that tree over there."

I looked to where he was pointing then nodded approvingly. "Okay. Let's do that."