Anxiety • part 2

34 • letter

"I'd love to celebrate christmas in the snow once." She admitted and I looked at Ashton when he sat back down beside me with his old guitar. "No christmas eve without christmas songs." Lauren said with the biggest smile and Ashton nodded happily.

"This might be the best christmas we've had so far, it's amazing having all of you here." Anne said as she looked at us with a proud smile. "So when can we expect a new generation to join us?" She said as a joke and she and my mom laughed

"Let's first get married." I replied with a chuckle before looking at Ash.

"That sounds like a good plan" Ashton said with a smile as he looked at me.

"Seeing that guitar reminds me that you still haven't played us the song you're releasing soon." Chris said with a smile and I nodded slowly.

"You want to hear it now?" I asked and everyone seemed to agree on thatone so Ashton handed me the guitar. I put the guitar on my lap and looked around, "It's supposed to be on piano but this will work too."

"It's amazing both ways." My mom said as she looked at me with the smallest smile. I smiled back at her and took in a deep breath before starting to play it.

every breath that I've been takin'
since you left feels like a waste on me

I got so lost in the song and the feeling I had when I wrote it that the whole world faded around me.

It's the second christmas without him and I miss him.

I hadn't even realised a tear escaped the corner of my eye untill it landed on the side of the guitar and I quickly wiped the stain away when I was done.

"It's beautiful" Anne said while she looked at me but my eyes drifted to my mom straight away. She had a smile on her face and she was trying not to cry.

"It really is, thisone is going to hit big worldwide." Chris said with a proud smile and I looked back at him with a smile.

"I hope so. It's definitely the most personal one on the album and my favourite." I replied and everyone was a little silent. Ashton put his arm around my waist and I leaned into his touch before starting to play a christmas song because everyone seemed to need it. Lauren smiled as she looked at me and she and Ashton sang along while my focus was on playing this right and my mom. She was struggling but she wanted to hold on. She has been all night, I'm just waiting for the moment she breaks.

"I've come to the realisation that the music talents are clearly only given to the oldest childs." Anne said with a laugh as she listened to Harry, Lauren and Jackie sing along.

"I'm the worst in anything to do with music, I have no rythm or any singing talents." Jackie admitted with a laugh as she looked at her, "I'm strongly convinced that our dad pushed all of his talent in Sam and left none for me." She said with a smile and that was the breaking point for her.

"I'm sorry." She said before getting up quickly and Jackie looked so guilty.

"I'll go, just go on. Holidays are the hardest." I said as I handed Ashton the guitar and got up. I followed her inside and I could hear Ashton playing another song already. "Hey" I said softly when I stood beside her in the kitchen.

"I promised myself I would hold on tonight but it's so hard." She said as she looked at me.

"It's okay mom. I had my breakdown this morning." I replied and we both laughed softly. "I miss him too but he's gone and we can't do anything about it. It's okay to break down every now and then."