A Guide To Murder

Chapter 1

"I'M TOO FUCKING GOOD FOR EYE DROPS!"

"But if you don't use those eye drops your eyes will dry up and fall out," BEN DROWNED responded calmly to Jeff's outburst.

"I'm trying to give a fuck, BEN. I really am," Jeffrey Woods, better known as Jeff The Killer, spat, sitting on his hotel bed.

"You do realize that if you don't have eyes you won't be able to look at yourself in the mirror, right?" BEN said, sitting on the couch and typing furiously at a laptop.

"...Shit."

BEN rolled eyes that were completely black except for red irises. "I hacked into the Pentagon."

"Cool," said Jeff. "Put a bunch of cats all over the monitors again."

"I caused a nationwide panic when I last did that," BEN said. "I'll just copy all their files and sell them to someone."

"You'll probably cause a terrorist attack," Jeff laughed, finally putting on his eye drops.

"Oh right," said BEN. "Do you have any idea where the Jacks are? Eyeless is the one who is paying for this room, after all."

"Wait, I'm paying for this?" asked Eyeless Jack as he exited his room, which was connected to Jeff's. He was shirtless, revealing his gray, rotting skin. His mask was askew over his face and he wore baggy jeans. In his hands, was a bloody kidney.

"That's funny, you think we can pay for this," said Jeff. "Why are you shirtless anyway? Did you and Laughing Jack fuck? Is his nose longer?"

"Look at how hard we're all laughing," mumbled Eyeless Jack sarcastically.

"I think I'm pretty damn funny," said Jeff, beginning to juggle the kitchen knife that had been tucked under his white hoodie.

"No, Jack," said BEN. "I'll pay for it, considering I just hacked into a nearby bank."

"You're just showing off now, aren't you?" mumbled Jeff.

"Don't be so childish," said BEN.

"CHILDISH?! YOU'RE FUCKING TEN," Jeff bellowed.

"I'm not a child," said BEN. "I'm just physically stuck in the age of when I died, which was twelve, by the way. I'm your age."

"That's great information I'm sure I'll need in life," Eyeless Jack said sarcastically, throwing open the refrigerator. "Where's the other me?"

"We don't know-" BEN began when the door to the room flew open. In came in, Laughing Jack, covered in blood from head to toe.

"Hey there, meat bags," said Laughing Jack. "You know what's boring? This place. I say we ditch this hotel and go somewhere else. Very far away."

"It was the family in the room beside ours, wasn't it?" asked BEN in his usual calm manner.

"Pssh, no!" said Laughing Jack. "I'd never hurt a soul... Oh and I saved the kidneys for you, Loser Jack."

"Hell yeah," said Eyeless as Laughing Jack threw some kidneys in his direction. Eyeless Jack began munching on the kidneys, taking the mask off and placing it beside him, on the counter.

"But this place has the best view fucking ever," said Jeff, looking out the window. There, he saw a brick wall.

"Laughing Jack," said BEN. "I kindly asked you to give up killing for a simple week. This is ridiculous."

"A whole 5 days. I lasted long, didn't I?" Laughing Jack snickered.

"I'll start packing," said Eyeless Jack, grabbing his mask and dragging his feet back to his room.

"Why didn't they scream?" asked Jeff.

"I ripped their throats to shreds first, kiddo," Laughing Jack replied.

"Fuck yeah," laughed Jeff.

"You two are insane," BEN sighed, reaching into the computer monitor and taking out some dollar bills.

"No shit," said Jeff.

"You can't spell slaughter without laughter!" screamed Laughing Jack.

"I'll go check us out," BEN said, closing his laptop and tucking it under his arm as he walked towards the door.

Eyeless Jack walked out of his room with a black backpack on his back, hoodie and mask in place. "Why are we even doing this?"

"Slendy's got himself kidnapped," Jeff reminded him. "I hate Slenderdick but if we help him out, he might save our asses later."

"Why do you even call him that?" Eyeless Jack said. "I bet he doesn't have one."

"Even if he doesn't, his personality makes up for it." Jeff asked.

"Speaking of Slenderdick and dicks," said Laughing Jack. "I heard what you said earlier, Jeffrey, and my nose is half the size of my licorice-flavored buddy."

Before Jeff could even think of something witty to retort, Eyeless Jack was already laughing his head off.

"Shut the fuck up," muttered Jeff.