Right Side Up

Forty Four

I unfold the dirty piece of paper and read it to myself.

Should I be concerned about what he wrote? Definitely. Am I going to read it anyways to give myself some closure? Yes.

Here goes nothing...

Dear Avery, my world,
I'm sorry it had to end like this. I can't face being in this world without any of my children by my side. You have all turned against me, rightfully so I suppose. But I do want to try to explain myself. I knew this is the only way you would listen...

A tear falls from my eye. Part of me wishes he would have tried to reach out to explain himself before he felt the need to take it own life. It seems like I could have avoided his suicide if I had just taken the time to speak to him.

I just want you to know, I did love your mother. I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. But it just didn't work out. And though I know you won't want to hear it, I loved Hillary too. Her and I had a special bond that your mother and I never shared. She was the love of my life.

He's right. I don't want to hear how much he loved the woman he killed my mother for. I don't understand how he can say he wanted to spend the rest of his life with my mother and then talk about Hillary two sentences later being the love of his life?

I am prepared to tell you everything now. You are a mother and possibly even a wife now. Even without your child on this Earth any longer, maybe you will still be able to understand how I felt as a parent and a husband.

Nothing he can say will ever make me understand why he did what he did. Being a mother and a wife won't change my point of view either.

I hurt your mother. I can admit that now. She wanted to take you away from me. She could see I was unstable and violent. She wanted to protect you from me. We fought. I snapped. I strangled her and she stopped breathing. I staged it to look like a suicide and I got away with it until you started to realize things weren't adding up. You were too smart for me. You figured me out.

More tears fall from my eyes. He killed her because of me? She is dead because she loved me too much?

With Hillary, there's a lot you still don't know. I spoke to her in her dressing room on the morning of the wedding. Contrary to what you probably believe, I didn't go in there with the intention of killing her. I loved her. She wanted to send you away and she wanted my opinion on it. I wasn't going to let her take you away from me too.

She hated yours and Logan's relationship. She staged his disappearance and drove him into the arms of your enemy. You think he chose to run away when you needed him most? She forced them to get married so you two could never possibly be together. She said her dad gave her the idea. I wanted to kill him too but the time was never right.

I shake my head. Strangely, he is making complete sense. Hillary had been acting weird towards me in the days leading up to the wedding.

Though I do believe he is feeling the truth, it still does not mean I forgive him for killing to solve his problems. All of this could have been solved in much better ways.

     Leigh. Ugh just writing her name makes me want to kill her all over again. I wish you could hear me laughing now. You hated her. I could see it in your eyes every time someone mentioned her or you saw her. I hated how you had to deal with her in your life. So I disposed of her for you. You deserve to be with Logan. Not her. You're welcome.

If only he knew what a monster Logan really is.

     I took the kids because I knew how hard it was for you to take care of all of them. I did that to help take some of the work off of your hands. I did that for you. To help you.

          Everything I did, everyone I hurt, was because of how much I loved you.

My everlasting love to you,
Dad x