Blood Sugar

Part One Hundred Thirty Three: Inside My Brain

John's POV

Bang! Bang! Bang!

I felt like banging my head against something really hard and hurting myself. Damaging my brain. Maybe the noises would go away. Those wicked voices. Since Tasha was with us, I felt like I was going crazy.

It was nice hanging with her and we had great talks. She was fun. But she was poisonous at the same time.

I was pretty sure she was fucking with both Anthony and Flea. But she didn't belong to anyone. And I didn't desire her. She wasn't love. She was something dark. Black was the color surrounding her. You wouldn't want that for yourself. And whenever I talked to her, I felt Tony's looks on me. Was he really jealous? Did he really think he could have her for himself?

I was starting to do drugs more frequently now because I thought it helped me get better. Little did I know it was getting me more and more fucked up. It was a miracle I still managed to please Tony. You know, doing these interviews and playing decent shows. Those things were the only easy things for me at the moment. Playing the guitar was the most natural thing, as always. It was still fun, I was still alive while making music. Talking to journalists.. well.. alright. I managed.

And whenever a concert was done, all the problems started crushing down on me again. It started with the people. I couldn't handle the 'mingling'. Chad did it a lot. Hanging out with other musicians... and random girls. I prefered the backstage couch. So did Tasha. Every now and then she'd ask me about my feelings. She'd talk about love again which pissed me off.

But the more I heard it, the more I couldn't decide if it was what she thought and believed in or if it were my thoughts. What's a relationship? Why do we stay with people? Why do we need them? Do we need them? Wasn't I just so happy by myself?

One more banging my head and I'd just believe everything she said.

A ruffle through my hair. I looked up from the couch and into Flea's eyes.

"How's it going, Greenman?", he asked. I decided to ignore the calling of names. Maybe it'd just stop some day.

"I feel like dying", I said in all honesty and he ruffled my hair some more and started chuckling.

"You're so young. Just go out there with us and have a good time", he said and smiled.

"Like it was that easy", I said and took a pull on my cigarette. I looked at the burning end of the cigarette and watched it slowly burn down, turning the paper and the tobacco into ashes.

"It fucking is", he said and sat down next to me, swinging his arm around me. He took the cigarette out of my hand and I watched him taking a pull and returning it to me.

I looked around to see if Tasha was anywhere near and asked Flea how long she was gonna stay with us. He told me Tony liked hanging with her and she didn't mind staying a couple of more weeks. I sighed and put out the cigarette.

"Don't you like her?", Flea asked and looked at me with concerned eyes. Then he knit his brows. "But you do talk to her a lot."

"She's fucking with my brain. And I really don't like it, Flea", I said and all he did was starting to laugh again.

"Does that mean you're into her?", he asked and grinned at me.

I rolled my eyes and shrugged his arm off my shoulder.

"No, I just think she's fucked up and she's.. I don't know. I think she doesn't do me good", I said and looked into Flea's eyes. I couldn't read him. His expression was going from amused to thoughtful.

"C'mon, give her a chance. She's really nice", he said and nudged my shoulder.

I got up from the couch and said, just loud enough for him to hear: "Yeah, 'cause you're fucking her."

"What the fuck, John?", he yelled after me but I didn't turn around.

I went up to the restrooms, washed my face and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked tired. And I had gotten a little thinner I think. I placed my hands on my cheeks and pulled my skin down so my eyes stuck out. I let my hands run down to my chest and hit myself two, three times. Then my hands went down to my pockets automatically and found the small bag. I took it out and looked at it for a moment. Then I opened it and took the shit that was inside. I sat down on the floor and waited until I got high. Then I decided it was time for some 'mingling'. C'mon, give her a chance, John. Why don't you give this all a chance, John? Life ain't that bad, is it, John?