January 06, 2019 7:30 pm
She believed in a goddess before. She believed there was a heaven and a hell. She asked people if they believed in such thing called a God. She even asked her parents if they believed in it. They ended up being mad for such questioned being asked. She would even ask things about the "Bible".
She asked if they honestly believe that everything it said on the "Bible" was rightful. She never read the "Bible" itself but she has seen the movie and she did not believe the movie either of course. She questioned if God was real or not. She wanted to believe there was a God watching above, but if he was watching why was he making her life miserable? Her Father told her that he would test you to see if you are strong enough for the outcome is getter. She thought why would he put someone like that to end up costing a life. Is that the Devils doing? if the cost of someones life if not being strong enough even though the God himself tested to see if you were strong enough, Yet if failed where would they go? To Hell? To Heaven? No one can truly tell if one goes to either up the North or down to the South.
So she began to write to him.
"One thing I won't ever understand is why I keep coming back to you. I come back and write you whenever i'm "happy" but mostly sad. I don't get it.. I'm writing this story but it also has some things about my life experience as well. I don't know if I should continue writing this book but every-time I write a part of my life in this book I instantly start to cry. It breaks my heart knowing I went through that and let it slide through as if nothing happened. somethings in this book scared me to write descriptively because then it'll make me relive that day once again, and I don't ever want to but I still did it and wrote it down crying because it felt so damn real. you already know I write but im doing a book just to do one I know it won't ever be published but I felt like writing it ya know. I know this year is supposed to be good, but how is it ever going to be good when your family is the one destroying your own life? they created it only to destroy it. Everyday, Every damn day..
there has to be a fight. I try so hard to hold my tongue in but if I hear a sound of a slap or a thud I rush out and lash out as well. My life isn't easy if you haven't noticed, I want to be free Harry.. I really want to be free. I want to be able to have fun and live. But I also need to understand that I can't do that ever. because I am not rich or popular known. I tried so much and in return I get nothing. I wonder if i never moved to florida if my life would've been this fucked up? I hope you are alright and doing well, Happy late Christmas and A Happy New Years
Sincerely, xoXo"
8:15pm - 8:23pm
" i've dreamt of meeting you but thats never gunna happen. you don't even know where homestead is, but One day, One day maybe I will get to meet you maybe in another state or maybe I wont meet you at all. A girl can dream right? Do you ever get that feeling when you feel like you are about to cry but no tears come out and you are stuck with a breath holding it? No? Yes? well thats me right now. I want to cry, No I need to cry but it's useless. its so damn useless when you are on your knees kneeling down next to the bed crying asking for help looking up to your roof thinking he will make it all better... but as much as you pray and ask for it, you don't get nothing.. So excuse me for my believes in god when he has done nothing but bring me hurt and loss. I need to make a change in my life but I can't. I am broken Harry, I want someone to be there for me someone to wipe my tears away and hold me till i'm fixed again and have my head up.. all I want from you is a hug is that too much to ask?
Most importantly I want someone who will stay in my life, not because they have too. I feel like I need therapy but my parents dont know anything about me. for fucks sake, they dont even know what my favorite color is. So tell me Harry should I tell my parents that I need a therapist? hah. I probably do but I wont get it. sometimes I wonder what if I was adopted too? I know I know, Don't talk like that but, I cant help but wonder.. I'm having a breakdown right this moment and yet my parents are in the living room watching football not knowing their own daughter is crying. I need to love myself but I cant. everyone that has said I love you to me has left my damn life. And I do believe my life is damned. well I think that's enough for today dont ya think? till next time Harry
sincerely, xXo"
Her friend once told her that herself when she was over while baking brownies. It hit her in ways no one could fathom. She rethought about that comments everyday because it's true "everyone that has said I love you to me has left my life". She agreed and chuckled but not towards her friend but to herself. She knew that was one way to some up her life of the words her own close friend had told her.
