The Way She Is

Chapter 12 ~ Can't Promise That Things Wont Be Broken

"Is he ... I mean, is he okay?" I muttered, my heart filled with hope. Her hard eyes, long since trained to be void of emotion, stared down at me, and this time it was her turn to nod. I was so overwrought with emotion, that I just grabbed Dan from next to me and hugged him tighter than before, with more love than before, almost like finally, any feeling of loathing had fully left me and  I no longer cared why Phil was there, just that he was going to come home soon.

"He's conscious, but groggy, so you may see him, but please ... Be gentle?" Grinning, we all stood and followed her once more across the wards and up a flight of stairs. Eventually, we arrived outside a room, but upon inspection through the window, I noticed he looked anything but okay.  In fact, miserable would be my choice of adjective. The others seemed to notice the smile slip from my face as they too, glanced through the window. "He's ... Just .... Please don't question him. About what happened." The Nurse's steely facade melted away momentarily as she too peered at our ebony haired friend. "He did it to himself, and he's fully aware of what he did, and why he did it. But  every time we bring it up, he just lapses into silence and wont speak again after that, despite what the conversation turns to." Agreeing, I take a deep breath before reaching out to push the door open...

Dan's P.O.V

I was afraid. I'm not even going to lie, I was terrified! As I followed Pj and Chris through the double door, a knot of nerves twisted painfully in the pit of my stomach. What if he didn't want to see me? After all, it was my fault he was in this fragile state anyway. 

I watched apprehensively as his eyes flickered up to Pj ... Then Chris ... And lastly me. Something changed in his expression as they fell on me, and as I looked into his eyes slowly welling with emotion, I saw how lost they appeared to be. I couldn't take it anymore, I'd missed him an incomprehensible amount and I had been too stupid to see it! But it was heartbreaking, to see him look so vulnerable, so damaged and so broken. 

I'd ruined Philip Lester. 

His eyes lingered on me, and I felt my heart pang with guilt, creating an immense surge of emotions that I couldn't suppress. Rushing forward, I reached his bedside and just pulled him into a hug. I didn't care that people had stopped to look at me oddly or stare at me crying into my best friends shoulder. He was alive, and I couldn't have been more glad. 

"Phil, I am s-so sorry! I was being self-fish and I did-dn't see how much It was aff-fecting you. I'm a t-terrible best friend!" I sobbed, clinging to him as though he may just slip away from me and I'd never see him again. Then a thought occurred to me ... 'What if he had suceeded? Managed more tablets before passing out? Or Chris deciding not to check up on him?' It only made me cry harder to know that he so easily could've managed it. 

When eventually I released him and took a step back, I took in his ghostly pallor. It made his messy shock of ebony hair stand out. My eyes then travelled to his arms as I recalled Chris mentioning what he'd done to them. I had to bite my lip to stop frustrated questions tumbling from my mouth. Both of his forearms were bandaged from his wrists to his elbows. 

"Why didn't you care enough to even call?" He muttered almost unintelligibly. His words carried so much hurt that again, the need to just cry swamped me. Swallowing, I looked up to Pj and Chris, who just stared blankly at me. 

"Well, I was angry, Phil. You spend the money we needed too live on getting wasted." I muttered,  only then reaslising how pathetic it sounded out loud. As I looked back up to him, and met his gaze, he blinked back what I could have sworn were tears. 

"Do you honestly believe I'd do that?" Again, he spoke so sincerely and with pain that just to hear what he was saying made me feel like a terrible person. When I didn't reply, he sighed and blinked several times, before turning to face Pj and Chris. 

"Thanks, I guess." He said levelly. I could tell he didn't mean it, which only made me feel worse. After a few minutes, I couldn't contain the question.

"Why did you think suicide would be a good idea? It was so sudden, like you were fine, then you were suicidal. What even is that, Phil?" I asked bitterly, bringing his attention back to me. Ignoring the disbelieving looks from the other two, I persisted. "I mean, suicide was a big leap don't you think? Were you seriously that upset about our fight that you wanted to just die? Bit selfish don't you think?" It had been said, there was no point in regretting it. 

"Were you seriously that blinded by her? Gradually throughout the year I've deteriorated, and you didn't even notice." What disturbed me more than what he'd actually said, was how he'd said it. His voice was barely a whisper, and it just stung me to the core. 

"Phil, this hasn't got anything to do with Cada-" I began but he snorted with derision. 

"Fuck you, of course it does." He stated, almost sneering. I was too shocked by how he was acting to reply straight away. Glancing across at the other two, I noticed how I wasn't the only one stunned into silence. 

" ... How?" I muttered, ignoring a light knocking sound issuing from the door. 

"The whole time, she's been trying to tear us apart, but I overlooked it because I loved her. She chose you and I accepted that because hey, you're my best friend. But then every time you were together, even months before you kissed her, it just hurt." Every word that was tumbling from his lips were meant to carry emotion ... But as I listened to them, I couldn't help but feel as though they were dead.

Empty.

Lost. 

... Broken. I guess that must've been how he felt. 

"Oh Phil, don't be stupid! I'd never tear you guys apart." My eyes snapped up to the doorway, where Cadance stood, her arms folded over her chest and blonde waves cascading around her shoulders. "And love? Pfft, come on, Phil, don't be ridiculous, you have a mental age of a 10 year old. You're incapable of love." She stalked toward him and then round and to me, kissing me softly on the cheek. "Besides, who'd love you anyway? You act like a child." She spat, smirking as Phil looked away and down at his hands. "I'm going for some coffee, coming?" She asked me. Shaking my head, she pouted before stalking out of the room. 

What had just happened? We were getting answers, then she comes along and might as well have shot him in the face. It was like the nurse had told us, Phil was dead to the world around him. Pj tried coaxing him to talk again, Chris even brought him some coffee, but nothing worked. So after 20 minutes of Phil just staring blankly at his hands, I got up out of the armchair I'd been sitting in and excused myself, promising to be back quickly. 

Cadance had some seriuos explaining to do ...