Climax (JESSIE J)

Chapter 44

JESSIE POV

I woke up on the sofa the morning after seeing Kayla wearing what I wore on the long drive home, make up still caked on my face. Bet my skin is thrilled about that.

I lay still for a moment, staring up at the ceiling, trying to process what had happened last night. Where Kayla and I together again, or had we agreed just start over and see how it goes? I had no idea.

I feel like I need to justify my behaviour over the past month, or the lack of it, but I can't. There isn't any excuses for it. Apart from my selfishness, of course. Getting the call from Harriet in the early hours of the morning shoved my heart up into my throat and in some sick way I was relieved when I found out what she'd done. She wasn't hurt, thank god, she was ok. I didn't sleep at all that night, I ran around everywhere, picking up the pieces of her little life that Kayla had shattered ruthlessly. Holly joined me in my efforts and it was when we saw Kayla's 'victim' that my anger bubbled inside of me. I felt sick to the stomach at the sight of him. He just looked so... Broken.

I think waking up to the woman who he'd spent the whole night slagging off and therefore being attacked for terrified him as it didn't take much persuading to drop the charges. I hated myself that night, I became the celebrity I never wanted to become. Manipulative and spoilt. I could have driven to the police station there and then, at 4am and got Kayla but a) I wanted her to suffer and be sorry for what she'd done and b) I was honestly terrified of her.

I left her broken and confused on my living room floor the next day, because I honestly hated her. And I didn't talk to her for a month because I hated her, I ignored her texts and calls and followed the childish ritual of deleting her off my social network sites because I hated her.

I followed her home after the concert because I loved her.

It was seeing her at the meet and greet that reminded me of how much I needed her. I can't even begin to tell you how difficult it was to not speak to her for so long, how hard it was not to pick up the phone to her when I'd had a shit day or when I had some exciting news that I wanted to share with at least someone. Or it was even harder when my mentions were full of my fans speculating about why I'd unfollowed my girlfriend. Clever bastards.

It was easy to ignore her for the past few weeks because I was so busy, I didn't really have time to think. I'd been sleeping mostly on the tour bus so there was nothing to remind me of her. Cez and the team had told all interviewers to steer clear of the topic of relationships for the time being so it was as If she didn't exist. That is until the clocked ticked round to 2am.

I had promo in London in a couple of hours so Alisha would be here soon to help me get ready. I jumped in the shower and washed last night off me but didn't bother washing my hair, I'd end up wearing a wig anyways. When she arrived she made some comment about the lack of sleep I'd had and began to fiddle with tiny bits of my hair as I plastered foundation across my face to try and give off the impression of a calm and collected Jessica who had her life in check. I found myself drawn in, like I do every time, to Alisha's hands as they twist, curl and clip my hair into all sorts of different styles. I loved watching things, simple things like how flowers swayed in the breeze or how elated children were when they fed the ducks. I missed having a life. Having time to walk Jackson, or even just walk actually. I loved my job, of course, but sometimes I wish it would just stop. Fixing things with Kayla would be so much easier if I just stood still for 5 minutes.

"Jess what is it?" Alisha asked, flicking the radio off and sitting cross legged in front of me, fluffing the sides of my hair, "you looked dead"

"I saw Kayla yesterday," I sighed, I wish I hadn't smiled, but I did.

"Shit! Are you ok?" Alisha's hands stroked my arms.

"Yeah, I mean, I think I am. I'm just confused," I laughed, "I think we're going to try again"

"Is that what you want?" She asked,

"Yes," I said indefinitely, "seeing her yesterday after so long proved to me that I still love her, I've missed her"

Alisha's lips set in a line and she knotted her forehead, "I just don't want you back tracking, Jess. You can't lose focus over the next few weeks with America an-"

"Oh my god!" I blew out a frustrated breathe and pushed my self off my dressing table and pulled various outfits out of my wardrobe, "I'm not stupid, I know that I need to be focused on my career, but when am I not? I've worked my arse off these past few months and I might have fucked it up with her because I left it so long and I just-" I slammed my wardrobe door shut and threw myself down onto my bed, careful not to ruin my hair.

Alisha came and lay beside me and stared up at the cieling, "I don't blame you for being angry, Jess, I would be too, none of this is fair on you. Kayla hasn't exactly been fair on you. But she makes you happy Jessie, I've seen it, Holly's seen it, Jesus I mean even Cez has seen it. You've lost a sparkle in the last few weeks and if Kayla is what gives you that sparkle then go get it. I'm sorry for being the pessimistic friend but I care about you, and someone does have to point out the bad stuff"

I snuggled into her shoulder and blew out a tired breath, "I love you, you know"

"I love you too, Jess. Now may I suggest that we sort your face out now, the car will be here in an hour" she smirked, rolling her eyes at the bored expression on my face. Sometimes I hated playing dress up.

As Alisha rummaged through my draw full off bits and pieces I tapped out a quick message to Kayla.

I need to see you, Kid. Be at mine at 9pm, please?

Love, Jessie.

I don't know why I didn't tell her I loved her, it just didn't feel appropriate.