All of this past

Intervention

"Night dad." Sam yawned as I handed him his teddy bear which he immediately hugged as if his life depended on it.

"Night Sam-boy. See you tomorrow." I walked out of his room after pressing another kiss on his forehead and went into the bathroom to get it looking decent again. We were already in the second week of our holiday, and it had been great so far. Of course we all missed David, as we always did, but it didn't take over all of our minds like I had feared. We had had lots of fun spending time together, away from work and school. I folded the last towel and hung it over the towel rack so it could dry for tomorrow and flicked off the light before walking back into the living room.

"Dad, sit down." Jude and Kate both sat on the couch in their pyjamas, looking at me with a stern expression on their faces. My eyebrows raised at the sight, not sure what was going on all of a sudden. "Come on, sit down," Jude added, gesturing at the arm chair on the right side of the couch. I shot them a confused look but did as I was told.

"Dad, this is an intervention." Kate's voice sounded stately.

"An intervention?" Again, I quirked an eyebrow, thinking they surely watched too much television.

"Yes. You've been really sad lately dad. Ever since that date that I couldn't call a date you hardly ever smile unless something really funny happens or you feel obliged to." My eyes widened at Jude's mention of the date. 

"What- what do you mean?"

"We're not stupid dad. You were finally getting happier again, you sang along to the radio again, sometimes, and you just smiled about nothing in particular. And ever since that night, you're back to the gloomy depressed dad you were before." My jaw dropped at Kate's harsh comment.

"I-I'm not depressed!"

"Fine, maybe not depressed, but you are gloomy." Jude chipped in.

"Listen dad," Kate got up and pulled herself onto my lap as she continued. "We don't know who this guy was and what happened, but we do know that you were happier since you were writing to each other, and ever since that night you were back to being almost as sad as when daddy had just passed away."

Jude crossed the living room and sat herself down at the armrest of the chair I was in, her arm around my shoulder as she leaned in. "And I saw you were crying at your phone on the way to the airport last week."

I gulped, my gaze switching from one daughter to the other. "There's nothing..." I started, only to be cut off by Jude again.

"Dad, listen, your love life is really none of our business, but we just want you to know that... that it's okay for you to see people. It won't mean you've forgotten about daddy, we realise that. You're only 43 in a few weeks, you don't have to stay single for the rest of your life only because you think it will hurt us, or daddy."

"Yeah, remember that song we chose for daddy's funeral? About how it didn't matter if he went away, we would always remember him for what he left behind?" I nodded as Kat explained. "We know you will always love daddy, and you won't ever forget him, but he would've wanted you to move on too dad, you know that as well as we do, don't you?"

"And if you were only depressed because that guy hurt you, just tell us because we will hunt him down and make him pay for it." Jude added, a mischievous glint in her eyes. I chuckled half-heartedly. "Now did he hurt you?" she asked, chuckling along.

"No.. No he didn't. Not at all. I think I'm the one who hurt him."

"Go get him then dad, if you still want him. He seemed nice, and you like him. And he is handsome." Kate giggled at Jude's last addition. 

"And if you don't want him, then that's okay too, but we just wanted you to know that we won't hold it against you if you start dating again. We want you to be happy again, and staying by yourself and drowning in memories of when daddy was still here won't do that." Kate stated, burying her face into my shoulder. 

I pulled them closer, finding comfort in their touches. "When did you girls grow up to be so wise?" I asked before letting them out of my hug. 

"Just last night when you were sleeping." Jude shrugged, causing all three of us to start laughing.

"Well, now that your intervention is done, what would my wise girls like to do for the rest of the night?"

"Have popcorn and watch a movie maybe?" Kate pleaded, batting her eye lashes like a pro again.

I chuckled before getting up. "Well why don't you pick out a movie while I try not to ruin the popcorn then?" My answer was met by cheering and they jumped up to pick out a movie while I got into the kitchen of the small but cosy holiday home. I put the bag into the microwave, hoping I didn't burn it like last time while I thought about what Kate and Jude had said. I guessed they were right. Ever since that night I had felt bad, about kissing him, about not replying to his text, about still not contacting him in any way. It was like history had repeated itself all over again. The kiss had overwhelmed me, I had felt so guilty because of it, and I didn't know if I was ready to really move on, but the least I could do was contact Harry again. The beeping of the microwave pulled me out of my thoughts again, so I got the popcorn out and put it into a bowl before joining my two beautiful daughters in the living room.

I went to the girls bedroom two hours later, a sleeping Kate in my arms. I gave her a goodnight kiss after I put her under her covers, her eyes opening the slightest bit before fluttering closed again. I turned to Jude, who would usually say she was too big for a goodnight kiss by now, but this time she pulled me into a hug and kissed me on my cheek.

"Goodnight dad. I love you."

"I love you too Jude. Sweet dreams."

"You too."

She was probably asleep before I even left the room. I fell down on my own bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking of what to do about Harry until I drifted off to sleep, exhausted from being outside all day. 

The next evening, the kids had all gone to bed early, completely knackered from our day at the beach. I got myself a drink and sat down at the table. I had decided to talk to Harry, the only way I knew I could handle right now. The white paper in front of me looked inviting and scary at the same time.

Dear Harry,

I'm sorry for not replying to you all this time. I didn't know how to after that night. After that kiss. I want you to know it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong, it just... happened. I cried for hours on end after that. It felt like I had cheated on David, even though I suppose there's no such thing as cheating on your dead husband. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad, I never meant to do that, I hope you do know that Haz. 

I had an 'intervention' yesterday. It was really sweet and touching actually. Kate and Jude came up to me and talked about how they wanted me to move on, and how they knew that David would've wanted me to. And I know they're right, he wouldn't have wanted me to lock myself in a room and sulk about losing him, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to move on. And even if I am, I'm not sure where I want us to end up. I don't know if we can make this work again, so much has happened between us Haz. We have all of this past. I don't know if we can just pick up where we left off.

Wait, did I say I wasn't sure if I was ready to move on? I know for sure I'm not ready. I don't know when or if I will ever be ready. I don't know if I'll be able to let someone fill the emptyness David left behind. 

So, I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I'm not expecting you to wait for me. You would be waiting for something or someone that might never come. But I would like to see you some more. I loved seeing you again, I loved your letters, your text messages and phone calls. I would love a friend like you, but I understand if you can't be that for me, not after the kiss, not after me needing I don't know how much time.

Loving you never changed though, and it probably never will.

Love, Li.

PS: Thanks for your text. Our holiday has been great so far. Have you been in the studio yet? How did it go?