Escaping The Loop

IV

"Quite the opposite, I gave this act much thought, I gave a couple of things much thought, you know regarding my current self-confliction."

"Really?"

"Yes really."

"Like?"

"Mother drop the subject, what's done is done, Zen and I broke amicably and it's...fine."

My mother didn't argue any further.

I did decide. While I was staring at my ceiling the previous night I couldn't help but wonder. What is life without any commitment? No attachments? No ties? I was freed from my relationship with Zen, yet I still feel tied down. Why?

That same day I went to check the pharmacy, the bills, the income, outcome, inventory, although the employees I had took care of that and Dad supervised mostly every transaction. Also I sent the exams I corrected since they were the finals and we were currently on a between-semesters break. So my schedule was clear. As I sat at my desk, thinking about the dead end my life seems to be heading for, a person came in with a flood of memories on tow.

"Are you the resident pharmacist?"

I looked in disbelief at the person that was supposed to be on the other side of the continent.

"Cecilia?"

"Yes?" she looked at me perplexed, then as if she too remembered our acquaintance.

"Jillian?"

"Aren't you supposed to be in Russia?" not the first question a person would ask after seeing their estranged childhood friend, but I couldn't help it.

She looked at me with a look I was familiar with. Desperation. I always saw it when an identical face stared at me from the mirror, but never saw it on another person's face, I guess some people are good at hiding personal conflictions, while others can't help but reveal their misery. I hadn't heard a lot of news concerning her, since her mother had always withheld news concerning her children. She seemed hesitant at first, then she shook her head and said, "I had emotional issues and I had to leave" with fake confidence that I knew wasn't her authentic one. She was leaning on my desk with one of her hands, as if she was trying to use it as some kind of support; not just the physical kind. I reached for her hand and held it emphatically, "we haven't talked in while, how about lunch to catch up" and gave her a weary smile. I saw a person who might understand what I am going through, and I needed someone I could relate to, everyone else wants to offer advice they think is actually applicable, or just want to give an opinion as a means of being self-righteous and not regarding my sake in the matter. Sometimes a person needs someone to listen while he/she talks and not the other way around. Other times a person needs someone to relate to, someone to understand, not someone to preach. Apparently I needed her as much as she needed someone to talk to.

We went to a café nearby, and ordered coffee, and it was lunch time. The thing about a depressed person is that your senses become numb. Things appear vague whether it was vision or taste or any of the other senses. I ordered coffee because I can't order food I couldn't enjoy. And how did I know I was depressed? Well in college I took a psychology course, and I knew all the signs: insomnia, self-pity, self-loathing, no contentment, and the list of symptoms goes on and on. A doctor I knew prescribed medication for me to take, after our last appointment I overheard him say to his secretary "it's a shame these young people getting depressed at such a young stage in life, how will they handle life later on?" I couldn't help but understand the wisdom of his words. Youth has the advantage of no serious responsibilities, the things we worry about are finishing our credits, getting our diploma, and getting a job. Generations did it before us, through harsher times, yet why now has it become such an epidemic; depression among the youth? Has life become increasingly difficult? Or have we become more fragile?