Escaping The Loop

I & II

I never had many romances, Zen was my first and I liked to think my last. I never really knew how to act about all of it, he lead and I followed. Yet, my affections never really needed previous experience to be compared with. When we first met each other, in introduction to immunology class, he was charming with the dazzling smile, witty remarks, and remarkable intellect. Of course, such male specimen to cross any girl's path causes the butterfly-in-stomach response. We had a few cups of coffee, study dates, lunch a couple of times, and in the end dinners. He always managed to make me smile, and laugh. I never got what he saw in me really, my loud mouth and clumsiness would be a total turn-off to the majority of men, but he managed to make them seem like appealing qualities.

"Zen?"

"Yes darling?"

"Are you happy?"

"What was that dear?" he said as he tried to peer away from his phone.

"Do you consider yourself a happy person?" I asked.

"Well darling reaching the state of happiness is when you accomplish what you want in life, find the person you are willing to spend your eternity with", he said as he held my hand, "health, family, to me I have attained all those, so yes I'm a reasonably happy person." And then he smiled. The thing about his smile this time, it did not give me butterflies or shivers, but a sense of certainty. He is happy, with the way he is, the way he is leading his life, with his commitment to me, he saw nothing wrong with his life, nothing missing.

"Don't you ever wish you had done some things differently?" I asked curiously.

"Well, I wish we could hurry up with these wedding plans, I want you to bare my name already", he said with a chuckle which I then repaid with a cautious smile, "well we can always think of 'what if's and 'if only's but there wouldn't be a point really, time moved on and the things we mourn are pointless if we consider them now after a certain time. When something has passed it's time, there shouldn't be a reason to go back for it." He said with finality. I stared at him and saw the quality that seemed to escape me: the delightfulness of contentment. He was a person who knew exactly what he wanted, and went for it, and was always satisfied with the result, whatever it might be. I tightened my grip around his hand to grab his attention. And he looked at me confused, while I looked at him with utter emptiness and the knowledge that I will regret what I was about to say. i was willing to let go. Of everything. But the bittersweet feeling of letting go, is this feeling you get of relief, where there would be no essence in grieving what you let go of, yet at the same time the fear of the bitter feeling of loss takes its toll provoked by regret.

"Zen", I looked into his eyes and prayed he would notice the misery I was burying myself alive in, "I'm not well, I have been trying to live this provincial life that is utterly and completely pointless, I lost who I am, the girl you fell in love with is no longer within me. Haven't you noticed lately I have stopped laughing, loud may I add, like I used to? Or that I seem to space-out most of the time we are together? That I had stopped saying 'I love you' as often? That we don't even act like a love struck couple to be wed? That we actually look more like business associates than people in love? I am bringing unhappiness to this relationship, I am harboring bitter feelings and negative attitudes that seem to have crept into my heart and filled me with uncertainty. You seem certain that you're happy, well I'm not. I AM UNHAPPY." He kept staring at me and nodding occasionally the same way my mother reacted when I told her.

"Darling, when I fell in love with you and decided my future included you, I knew nobody is perfect. My dear when people say for better or for worse, they mean it. I mean it. I love you. YOU. And I can..." before he could continue with his phrase I interjected, "I need to be freed Zen", I held his hand even tighter and looked into his eyes but all I could see were his, tender and pleading, and I knew I would lose him if I said what I had in mind so I decided on an alternative, "I need space Zen, I need to do the things I neglected for a very long time, I want to resurrect the girl I once was, the one that you fell in love with, and the girl that turned to jelly whenever you were in breathing distance of her, the person who could dream and be optimistic and positive about reaching them", I gestured to our tangled hands, " I adore you, my very first love, the one that showed me the possibility of loving and being loved in return, I loved you, and I think I could love you again, I don't want to lose you completely due to my selfish nature, I also don't want to restrain you or burden you with myself." Then I lowered my head and began to sob. There was a long pause, then I felt the cushions of the seat deepen and I knew he had come closer, "My dear, my love, stop sobbing", then he used his index finger to tilt my chin up, "you have been unhappy for a while?" I nodded, "Is our relationship completely the reason?" I shook my head, "that's a relief!" he said and I released a giggle, "still have the gift of making me laugh", I said, "I have been unhappy for a while but couldn't admit it to myself much less anyone else, you have always had my affections and love, but I had retained them from you, and that only made matters worse. This is not how a marriage should start. We should madly in love with each other, not sparing a minute apart, telling each other our feelings towards one another, not only occasionally. I need to fix myself in order to salvage our relationship and salvage my youth." I caressed his cheek and for the first time in months, we connected, and after quite a while, we understood one other.