Escaping The Loop

I & II

I was taken back from my stroll down memory lane as I heard my mother announcing that Zen was waiting for me outside. I sprayed some perfume, his favorite of course, then grabbed my purse and left the room. I said my goodbyes and left the house. "Darling!" he said overexcitedly. He rushed to me and hugged me, I managed I smile, and hugged him back. "Aren't we excited" was what I managed.

"I just missed you that's all."

Why was I so cold? "I missed you too darling", I interrupted the hug, "we have a lunch to go to, and you know how your mother hates tardiness." I said then smiled affectionately.

"Jillian?" voices kept calling for me, "Jillian??" I heard the familiar male voice, I finally replied "Yes?" It was Zen and his mother, "Jillian dear mother was asking you about your new teaching job." Zen clarified and smiled.

"Well I always wanted to teach, even after I graduated I didn't want to spend long hours sitting in the pharmacy, so I applied and thankfully my qualifications got me the job I always wanted, so it's going well." I ended then smiled. She returned my grin with one of her own, and faced her son to speak more about him and how his career was going. I never bothered myself with grasping her attention, I was fine with what she offered, occasional concern. After small talk, we headed to the dining room. The lunch went on, followed by dessert, coffee, then we said our goodbyes and promised to have dinner the day after tomorrow.

Zen and I were walking in the streets of Tripoli, intending to go to a store that sold brownies we both loved. Zen was telling me what happened with him this week, the surgeries he performed, houses he liked along the way and thought we can start our life in, how much he missed me, and through all that my mind managed to be somewhere else. Should I tell him I'm unhappy? Should I leave him and spare him the curse of unhappiness? Is he going to leave me when I tell him I'm unhappy? Do I want us to fall out? Was I ready to spend my life with someone that doesn't notice change? As I was wondering the following questions, I was staring at Zen as we walked, he is such a handsome man, thoughtful, caring, concerned, clever, career oriented, and he wants me. Yet why was I ready to let go? Loving someone means never wanting to let go, being certain that this person in front of you is the person to spend the rest of your existence with, grey hair and grandchildren. But why am I seeking abandonment as refuge? We never had problems being a couple. We rarely fought, we rarely were jealous, we never bickered and fell out. We were always rational people. I wasn't but he was the rational influence. I remembered I got jealous once from a fellow colleague of his, all he could say was "Seriously Jillian do not be so immature." I never got jealous again I guess. But shouldn't I? Not insane jealousy, but reasonable affectionate jealousy. Zen is a very good person, and quite handsome, I should be jealous. Yet why aren't I? Have I become so nonchalant?

We arrived to our desired destination, and took a seat in a booth. We removed our coats and ordered the reason we came to this exact store: the brownies.

"Zen?"

"Yes darling?" he replied.

"Do you like this watch?" I asked, obliviously.

"Yes it is really classy darling, is it new?"

"Not really." I replied vaguely then added, "It was given to me by a person I think or feel is special." Speaking in a vague manner, I was either trying to spike his curiosity to ask who it was that gave me this watch or jog his memory.

"Really? Well whoever that person is, he or she has great taste." he said while browsing through his mail.

"I would like to think so." I uttered, barely a whisper which he probably won't notice. He forgot. The most romantic night in our relationship was forgotten. We sat in familiar silence and ate our desserts. We didn't speak of anything else other than the occasional small talk about the weather and work.