Escaping The Loop

I & II

II

I kept staring at my cup of coffee, recollecting what had happened the other night. I was unhappy. After avoiding and denying it for so long, I finally admitted it. The thing about admitting something you yourself avoided for so long, is the liberation that follows admission. Zen was supposed to arrive today, and I am supposed to meet him at his parents' house. His parents are good people. Religious, socially interacted, and always dedicated themselves to achieving their one goal: the happiness of their only son. That last factor had always put pressure on my relationship with them. I had this haunting need to make him happy, for his sake and theirs. As if they had given me a prize treasure to take care of, and I had to carefully and consistently seek his attention and want his satisfaction. When it came to restaurants, always his choice. Movie night, his choice. Even the way I dressed seemed to accommodate his style. I just slumped against the couch in my room, and looked out the window. Again the rain did not help in enhancing my mood. I saw my phone vibrate, but felt no urgency to answer. It vibrated again, I did not answer.

Then I heard my mother come in, "dear you should start getting dressed, Zen will be here in an hour he just called. And he said answer your phone", with that she exited the room. Yes the blessed lunch with his parents, super excited.
I sighed in frustration, and answered that phone which has been vibrating for over 15 minutes, "Dear I'm on my way, and just near Tripoli do you need anything?" Zen inquired, "no darling just don't forget to get dessert you know for your parents' lunch" I answered, "I won't love, see you." And he hang up. I got off the couch and began picking my outfit, a grey dress with black belt, and black heels. Tied my hair in a bun, pearl earrings, and the watch Zen gave me for my birthday. I stared at that watch and remembered the day he gave it to me. He had it all planned, the reservations at an expensive restaurant in Beirut, a private table on the deck overlooking the city, and this watch. I wondered why it meant so much to me, then I remembered he was with me that day at the mall where I told him it was to die for, "why don't you get it then?" he asked, "well its ridiculously over priced for something you look at once or twice a day" I replied sarcastically.

"Then I will get it for you" he said with such stance.

"Zen you will not mister, if I want it I will get it, but I happen to see no need in having it" I retorted with a hint of pride in my tone.

And that evening, as we were having our desserts he slipped a small black box across the table.

"Zen we are already engaged" I joked.

"It's your present my dear" he said tenderly.

"Oh darling, you shouldn't have!" I exclaimed.

I held the box in my hands, and opened it. There on a red small pillow was the watch I bluntly criticized at the mall. He managed to take it from the box and slip it on my hand clasping it.
He held my hand and said, "I know you will look at this once a day, and when you do I want you to think of Me." he said, then gave me that warm smile that absolutely melted my heart. I reached for his hand and held it. I smiled tenderly and genuinely. I was looking at the person who stood for everything I had ever dreamed of, from those smooth brown locks to the perfect jawline, chocolate brown eyes, and the heart of gold behind them. The band in the restaurant started playing Norah Jones's song, "Nearness of you", and the lead singer announced " this song is dedicated to Jillian from your darling Zen, he decided he liked this song" and the whole room laughed. We were always bickering over which song for our first couple's dance, and he always disagreed with my choices and that was the last song I suggested, and he admitted he liked it, also dedicated it to me. I was blushing, badly. He held out his hand, "Jillian the love of my life, would you care to dance with me", my legs turned to jelly as I took his hand and he pulled me into his arms. I was always so tiny compared to him, he was so tall and muscular, and sometimes I wondered when he had the time to work out. I set my head on his shoulder, and sighed in content. I closed my eyes as we swayed to the dream-like music filling the air. His arm around my waist, his warm hand around my tiny hand, his amazing aftershave, the music, the view, the watch, it was so surreal. I raised my head, and looked into his eyes, "I love you Zen, I do" it just slipped so easily, like an exhale. "As do I my dear" he replied and kissed my cheek, sending sparks through my whole body. Then we spent the night in each other's arms swaying to the most romantic music, and facing the most spectacular view in the whole world. That was where I belonged.