Escaping The Loop

I & II

Constantly being reminded that time and routine were my enemies. I packed the rest of my stuff, got my keys and cellphone, and got into my car. It was rush-hour so obviously traffic is going to be a disaster, also thanks to divine powers it was raining, not your normal rain, it was like raining for tomorrow's drought. I stared at the cramped cars in front of me, and wondered, is this it? Has my life become a series of intricate traditions and routines I can't break out of? Other people dream about what I have accomplished, so why aren't I? Why am I always gazing to the horizon wishing my life had been different?

I used to own a box, and I would fill that box with pictures whether an article about the glories of vacationing in Tuscany, or swimming in the divine waters of Mykonos, dreaming that one day I would be capable of going to those places. I never did find that box, filled with the dreams of a 17 year old, hopeful and oh-so gullible. After a certain time, I began to feel her fade, bit by bit into oblivion, and it hurt to know she was going, her optimism lead me to where I am yet I was so ungrateful that I let her go. I bent my head in frustration on the steering wheel and let out a sigh of exasperation. I curse myself for not being remotely grateful, I curse myself for my false ambition, and I curse myself for the feeling of false content that I seem to delude myself with.

I have become the walking embodiment of the system of the working man. Day in day out working and slaving away till the end of days. Always putting something ahead of my own sake and doing that gladly. I have lost myself to everyday life and no one, not even my future life partner, is capable of understanding. He never really did understand half the things I said, he would always make me want to be very frank, but right when I start to talk about how I felt about the future or anything involving feelings he would have surgery or an appointment and I would be swept under the rug yet again. I can't really blame him, I have always known him to be accommodating and understanding but lately with work and all we never seem to have time for each other. I too haven't been the best fiancé in the world, I forget dates like our anniversary, or never make grand romantic gestures like the ones my friends did with their loved ones, or saying the phrase I love often as he would like although he should know I adore him and he probably does, I think. We were a practical couple, "goo-ish" romances where out of our nature and we never seemed to care for them. I decide to break awful habits, and give him a call. I grab my phone from my purse and quickly dialed his number. It was ten past three so he is probably on his break.

"Hello?"

"Darling I just wanted to tell I will miss you till tomorrow and I adore you my ....hum....dear!" the last word went off as a yell.

"Jillian? What's wrong?"

"Oh nothing dearest, just calling to check up and tell you how much I miss you."

"Honey I miss you too, terribly, and I can't wait to see you either." The tone of affection and tenderness from his voice meant a lot to me. I knew he cared for me, never had a doubt about it and I also cared about him a lot.

"How about we go to dinner when you come to Tripoli? I really do miss you and our long talks."

"Darling I would love that, I would love too! How come the change of mood?" for the first time he surprised me, he noticed something.

"Well does it matter how? Just think of it like I just had my morning coffee and brush past it" I said humorously.

"Okay dear, then I will see you when I see you, have a safe drive."

"Wait Zen! I...umm...." Damn this word "love...you." And it managed to slip out.

"I love you too dear, so much, take care." And then we both hung up.

I stared off into the distance and smiled inwardly. Zen was one of the most solid and stable things in my life, why wouldn't I love him? If he is the shred of happiness I am entitled to, so be it. But do I actually need someone to depend on for happiness? Won't we both give up if I depend solely on him for joy, and never give back some of that dependence? Maybe after a while he finds someone else to share his love, with no hesitation and they would be happy together? Am I robing him of that chance? Am I in the way, an obstacle? I brushed that thought aside, for it was too bleak and grim for my liking. The traffic began to pick up, so I put my car in drive and went ahead. A half hour later I was on a clear highway heading home. I blasted the car stereo loud enough to not hear my inner thoughts, the last one I had could have potentially ruined my relationship.