I'm A Walking Disaster (jalex)

You Left Your Mark

I slipped my hand under my pillow and felt for the fork, I could sneak it into the bathroom. I kept feeling around but felt my stomach drop as I didn't feel it, I picked up my pillow now in a panic, Jack turned his attention to me but gave me a knowing look: he did it.

I gave him a questioning look "I threw it away" he said simply, I tried to control my panic and anger, he's going to tell, he'll ruin everything for me.

I stood from my bed "why?" I questioned weakly.

He shrugged "you'll never get out if you cut yourself" he said bluntly.

I pulled at my hair and sighed aggravatingly "why the fuck do you care if I get out?!" I whisper/yelled at him, my anger coming out. After he didn't answer I came up with a conclusion for myself "oh, right, you want me fucking gone!" I hissed, I felt my eyes watering "I should've known that, no one fucking wants me near them, much less you. How about this, you fucking let me kill myself and I'll be gone, I can't be a fucking bother to you anymore! is that fucking better, Jack?" I stepped closer to him. Tears streamed down my face and he looked somewhat sad, I pulled my hand over my face and tried to breathe after being overdramatic. I walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind me quietly, the fear of Jack telling on me for admitting being suicidal was overpowering. I looked at myself in the mirror, my red face stared hideously back at me. I let out a sob and hit my fist against the cold tile wall, the urges were getting stronger and stronger as the minutes passed. I was unconsciously slamming my fist into my right thigh, each hit was harder than the last and I ended with my body shaking. I felt weak but the urges became less powerful as the dull pain spread through my thigh, I focused on my breathing and after about five minutes I was able to think clearly.

I turned the water on and scooped water into my hands before throwing it on my face, the water drenched my view and brought relief to my burning face. I stared at myself as I appeared normal, after my mini breakdown I was making sure no one would notice how broken I am. I took a deep breath and opened the door, Jack laid expectedly on the bed, he hasn't moved at all. I didn't dare make eye contact before I calmly walked out of the room, instantly able to breathe as I stepped into the hall.

I casually started to make my way to the Day Room but was interrupted as the small crowd exited the day room and I noticed that it was time for community group. I sighed and followed the others to the room, taking the only empty seat left, it was beside Andrew. Jack was the last one in the room and he took his usual seat next to Dr.Grace, I ignored his stare and smiled at Dr.Grace as we made eye contact.

"Okay, well it's Friday, we are going to go around the circle and everyone state why you're here and two goals for today..I also want everyone to name one rule" I tried to think of a rule as I'm third in the circle.

"I'm Hunter, I'm here because I'm bipolar, Im anorexic and I tried to kill myself..my goals are to not go to the quiet room today and to not lose any points..one rule is..uh, no shoelaces" Hunter spoke bluntly, Dr.Grace then nodded to Andrew.

"Uh..I'm Andrew..and..uh, I-I'm here because I have depression, anxiety..uh, insomnia..and I have anorexia and bulimia..and uh, I-uh, suicide attempt. My goals are to call my mom and read a chapter of my book..a rule is that you can't touch anyone" Andrew stuttered and I noticed his hands shaking as he spoke, I was next.

I glanced up at Jack who was of course looking at me "I'm Alex..I'm here because I have depression and anxiety..uh-self harm and three suicide attempts..my goals are to call my friends and read my book. A rule is..you must finish your food in order to get full points, you cannot eat anyone else's food" I quietly answered and paid attention to the patterns on the tiled floor for the remainder of group.

"Hey" I jumped as Vic showed up beside me as I was standing up

"hi" I replied with a small smile. I noticed Jack out of the corner of my eye, he was still seated next to Dr.Grace as she scribbled something down on her clipboard.