Just watch from a safe place

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Chapter Twenty Three

Title from A daydream away by All Time Low

"What am I going to do when you're gone?" I asked Jack as he sat his bag on his bed. He glanced up at me with a smile before shuffling over to the dresser.

"I honestly don't know, Gaskarth" he joked, sending me a playful smirk "you got lucky with only having to be away from me for three days" he winked at me.
"You know everyone here will miss me like crazy" he mumbled as he pulled out his clothes and dumped them on his bed.

I chuckled "they probably won't know what to do with themselves"

"I know," he said, dragging out the W's
"I was starting to think Hunter had a secret crush on me" he said in a serious tone, causing us both to burst out laughing.

"You're a wonderful actor, Barakat" I said as we finished laughing.
He giggled as he folded a shirt and neatly put it in his bag.
"aw, you giggled, that's cute" I teased, causing him to put his hand over his face.

"Shut up" he said, being muffled by his hand.

"I love you" I blurted out, Jack took his hand away from his face and met my eyes.

"I love you" he replied, seriously. we looked at each other for a few seconds before he broke eye contact, stuffing his clothes in his bag.
Tomorrow he's leaving.
I don't know what I'll do the three days he's gone.

"You have to play cards with us in the Day Room after dinner.. Just meet us there when your nurse allows you to" I said quickly, he gave me a disbelieving look and shook his head slightly, looking down. I know he doesn't like my friends, but I'm determined to get them on a friendly level before he leaves.
"It's just me, Vic, Jonny, and Josh. I promise they won't do anything bad, they're harmless dudes" I pleaded with Jack as he looked unconvinced.

"Speaking of dinner, it's time for dinner" Jack said quietly, motioning to the clock hung on the wall. I turned to read it and nodded before walking to the door.
"I'll be there" Jack said, causing me to smile in approval before walking to the cafeteria.

Once I got in only three people were in, I had about two minutes before it was actually time.
"Hello Alex!" One of the cafeteria workers spoke nicely, she was always very nice to everyone, and she was great with names.

"Hello, how are you today?" I asked her as I grabbed a plate and let her put careful portions into each section of the styrofoam tray. Today we had chicken as our main meal, and fries as our side.

"I'm good, how are you today?" She spoke, handing me a paper cup as I gestured towards one.

"I'm pretty good, excited to get out in three days" I bragged, causing her smile to widen as I drifted towards the water fountain, filling my cup with the hospitals chloriney water.

"That's great! You've done so well, congratulations" she sounded really impressed, and proud of me. I smiled widely at her as I walked over to my regular table, more people were piling into the cafeteria.
I watched as the few lunch ladies worked quickly to give everyone correct portions.

I've never had an eating disorder, but eating is a struggle for some reason.
Everything tastes the same, I'm never even hungry, but I do eat in order to stay healthy and to not lose points.
Today was one of the days I was struggling to swallow the food, I felt as if I would throw up if I ate much.
This is proof that it's going to take awhile to fully get better.
I have good days, and I have bad days.
Recently there's been a lot more good days, just a few bad moments in the good days.

I still get panicky, I'm still uncomfortable around people, I still think too much, I still get sad, I still feel like hurting myself.

But I don't feel like killing myself.

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