I let you in

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Chapter fifteen

Title from Poison by All Time Low.

"I just want to die" I said, trying not to sound too harsh. My throat felt dry, it almost hurt to speak.

"Why?" Jack whispered, looking completely focused on me. I stared at him for a few minutes, we stared deeply into each others eyes.

"I'm alone" I answered, pain drenching my words, my voice cracked. I felt tears exit my eyes but I didn't break eye contact with Jack, and I didn't bother to wipe them away.
Jack flinched at my words, he gave me an extremely guilty look, he was so guilty because he knew it was true.

"You left me" I spoke again, shaking my head painfully, holding back a sob.
"I-" I stopped myself.
Those were words I wouldn't even admit to myself.
What the fuck almost slipped out?

We sat In silence.

"I'm sor-" he started, I cut him off quickly.

"Save it Jack, you're just going to leave me again after you convince me not to die" I said harshly. Jack opened his mouth to say something but closed it again.
I fucking trusted him.
I told him so many things I was too scared to tell anyone and and he left me.
And I continued on to say those words.

"I fucking trusted you, Jack, and you left me" I snapped, hoping to convince him to never leave me again.
I was happy to be speaking to him in this moment.
"I let you in and you left me" I repeated my words in a different form.

Jack still said nothing, he looked like he wanted to say something but he didn't.

We sat in silence for five minutes, in those five minutes I wiped my tears and convinced myself to stop crying.

You're weak.

"I've been afraid" he said weakly, he looked exhausted, that was the first thing I focused on. I hadn't seen it until now, the bags under his eyes were darker than usual. He looked like he hasn't slept in days.

He's been afraid?

"Afraid of what?" I asked gently, scooting closer to the end of my bed.
Suddenly Jack seemed to flinch at his own words, he shook his head.

"Jack, let me help you" I whispered, hoping that it would work this time.
"If you don't let me help, you'll only get worse, you won't get out of here" I added, suddenly his face seemed to turn a bit angrier.
"You're going to die, Jack. If you don't let me help you, you're going to die. This isn't healthy.. I know you don't want to talk about it, but I'm scared for you.. you're so skinny." I didn't give up, which might've been a mistake.

"Sometimes people just can't be helped, some of us are meant to die, drop it" Jack spat at me, I flinched at his words but my determination was stronger. I can and I will help him, without help he will never get out of here.

Though his sudden outburst surprised me, I didn't let it stop me.
"At least tell me why you won't let me help you! You need help, you aren't letting yourself get help here.. you just need a bit more help. I know you can get better" He stared at me a few seconds.

"I don't want to get close to you" he said through gritted teeth. I felt a piece of me sink, I clinched my jaw tightly, trying to fight back against the pain.
He didn't want to get close to me.

"Why?" I managed to croak out, tears making my vision blurry, once again.

"Because you'll leave.
Or you'll commit suicide, Alex you've attempted twice since we've been in here"

And with that a nodded lightly, staring at the ground.
A searing pain in my chest.

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