I'm A Walking Disaster (jalex)

Life Just isn't right

Chapter fourteen

Title from Under A Paper Moon by All Time Low.

A week.
It's been a week since Jack started being cold to me.
It's been a week since I've been enthusiastic about anything.
A week since I've heard Jacks angelic voice.

I got points taken off because Dr.Mullins found the cuts I made with the fork, and they confiscated it, I have the same fork checks as Vic does.

Jack knows about it too, but he hasn't said or done anything.
I knew he wouldn't care.
I've been planning my suicide as I might not get out of here for awhile.
I decided that smothering myself in my pillow would be the best option, though I wasn't fond of the idea of dying due to lack of oxygen.

But it was better than living.

Some part of me will miss living, I was confused as that part has never spoken up until today.
Because of Jack.
Jack made me want to live, it was so stupid because:
1) Jack hates me
2) I just met him a few weeks ago
3) I am not in love with him
4) I am not in love with him
5) I am not in love with him

In all honesty Jack had become very important In my everyday life, but in the past week he hasn't spoken to me, he's not even made eye contact with me.
And it was killing me.

I want him,
And sometimes I feel like I need him.
Everybody acts like that's normal, to need, to hear, to see, to breathe another human creature like they're your oxygen and you're only using them to stay alive and keep smiling.
There's something very terrifying about how this is considered romantic.

It's not romantic,
Because I'm not in love with Jack.

I will miss him.
But part of me knows that he won't miss me.
I've been waiting so long to die.
I can't keep doing this, I can't keep waking up.

At the moment Jack is in the Day Room, he didn't leave that long ago so I wasn't expecting him back soon. No one was in the hallway right now, which was rare for the hospital, but it was the perfect time.

It's the perfect time.

I quietly stood up from my bed, making my bed neatly before laying back down. I moved to where my face was pressed into the pillow, I checked one more time to make sure no one was directly outside my door.

Slowly, I pushed my face further into the pillow.
My eyes were burning.
I pushed my face harder, cutting off the air flow.
In seconds my lungs seemed to be pleading for air, but none came to them. I felt my body shaking, jolting as I didn't let up. With every breath that could've been taken, I only got more light headed.
My head pounded and my vision was blurry, my body shaking, I only pushed down harder.

"Alex?" My eyes shot open as I realized Jack was back, but I continued to push my face deeper into the pillow, my lungs malfunctioning.
Suddenly the pillow was pulled hard away from me, my lungs suddenly forcing my body to heave, gasping for air that wasn't coming fast enough.
I was dizzy, my head still pounding.
My head dropped to the bed, I didn't move, I just laid there wishing I was dead.

Tears flowed quickly.
I was angry.
"Why didn't you let me do it, Jack? Why the fuck didn't you let me die? its not like you fucking care!" I snapped after minutes of gasping.
Jack looked down at me with a pained expression, I hit my head with my hands multiple times "fucking hell, you don't fucking care, let me die, you bastard!" I attempted to pull my pillow from his grasp but he only stepped away from me.

"Why?" he managed to wince out, his lips pressing together tightly, and I saw guilt in his eyes.
Jack Barakat feeling guilty?

I threw my hands over my face, pulling at my hair violently.

"Alex, stop" he demanded, I couldn't see him through my hands but I heard his bed squeak, I could tell he was sitting on the end of his bed like he had so many times when he talked to me.

"Talk to me" he spoke gently.