Conflicted (Boyxboy)

108

"No going in the water!" Luca called after them, and sighed.

I jumped down from the wall and then slowly made my way along the beach while watching him.

He seemed to contrast against the younger brothers a lot, and I failed to believe age was the only reason for that. He probably won't age well with the rate he's going.

His almost curly blonde hair moved restlessly in the seaside wind as he stared ahead of him with a worried expression.
He looked like he was grieving, wearing a black coat and a solemn face, and I felt a flush of cold guilt travel up my chest.

I hate the way I feel about him. I want to hate him. I want to never look back.

But here I find myself leaning next to him, wanting to pardon him of everything he's done and go back to the way things were.

Ugh, I'm so pathetically desperate for affection.

He didn't say anything as he almost glared at the sea, but I could tell he knew I was there by the way his head tilted towards me.

I blushed at my inability to speak before staring at the sand with furrowed brows.

What do I even say.

"I'm sorry." He eventually spoke up, and I felt my heart pound in my chest.

You're stronger than this.

"It's going to take a lot more than that." I forced myself to say calmly, and his pale eyes turned to look at me completely.

I feel like I haven't seen his face in years.

He opened his mouth then sighed, and frowned. "I..." Another sharp exhale. "I thought, that it was the right thing to do."

It could have been, I can't imagine what would have happened otherwise.

They would all have left, I'd live with my father. And what he had done to me would still be a secret. Maybe he would have done it again.

Maybe I would have ran away, lived on the streets. Maybe I would have ended it.

"I wonder," I spoke after a few moments of silence, staring at the rocks. "That maybe, I had decided to hate you in that moment, because I needed someone to blame. Someone I wasn't scared to blame like...Matias. Someone I could punish and get some power back from." I pondered, and his green eyes flickered between my own, searching, hoping.

"Maybe I am a hypocrite for pushing you away. But, I also started doing that for a reason."

His expression tightened, listening intently.

"I was attracted to your kindness, and your strength. But deep down I knew from the start why I was really pushed towards you, and when I realised we'd gotten too close it scared me." I took in a deep breath. "You remind me a lot, of someone I used to know. In the end, it's because you care more, and you want to protect me. But the way you held me back, and isolated me from everyone, it reminded me of..." I let out a sharp breath, and stared at the sand.

"...of Finn." He finished the sentence for me and I snapped my head up to look at him. He looked disturbed, almost horrified, but he didn't get angry, just gulped and put his head down.

"I know I try to control too much, I get scared, if things don't go my way. But I didn't mean...to treat you like you were a possession or anything."

"No, I understand, you weren't aiming to be manipulative. But, you stole my passport and forged my signature Luca. You know that's wrong don't you?"

"Yes. I knew it was wrong when I did it. I knew you'd hate me. But I didn't want you to suffer. And I wanted... justice. I didn't want him to get away with it."