Here's to the Heartache (Frerard) *Discontinued*

38: Shatter And Pretend

Gerard held his breath as he opened the door to Mikey's room. He had finally been granted permission to see him now that he was supposedly stabilized, and although this was all that he had been wanting for the past few hours, he now found himself inexplicably nervous. He refused to let his irrational emotions slow him down though. Visitor's hours would be ending soon, and Gerard had to see Mikey with his own eyes to be assured that he was in fact alright.

Gerard briefly wondered how Frank was holding up, and where he was now, but he quickly pushed those thoughts away. His mind was too full of fear for his brother to worry about anything else, even if niggling worries involving Frank hovered at the edges of his consciousness, but he couldn't grant them his attention just yet, not until he made certain that Mikey was going to be okay.

Gerard entered the quiet hospital room with a soft tread, trying not to disturb whoever resided behind the curtain adjacent to where Mikey lay silently, the only sound emitting from his side of the room was the steady beating of his heart monitor. It was an irritating sound, but a soothing one as well. It reassured Gerard that Mikey was alive, at least for the moment.

The doctor he had spoken to before being allowed in to visit Mikey had explained that he was in a medically induced coma, but he should wake up in a few hours. It had been difficult to follow his explanation of what exactly had occurred to Mikey due to his overdose, but he did understand that he had suffered no permanent damage and he should pull through just fine. The doctor had also highly recommended rehab so something like this wouldn't happen again, which was another hurdle that Gerard would have to face. One thing at a time though, that was all he could deal with at the moment.

"Hey Mikes," Gerard whispered when he sat down on the single plastic chair near his best bedside.

Gerard automatically reached for his phone so he could update Frank the fact that he had been able to see Mikey and also to apologize for his earlier behavior, but he had left it at home. He kept forgetting that fact, and he knew at some point he would need to retrieve it, but for now, he pushed the fact from his mind. He would get in contact with Frank later, for now, Mikey was his first priority.

His head was in complete turmoil, guilt and worry for his brother were choking him with their intensity, not to mention everything else that plagued his brain on a daily basis. Things had been going better for him, he had been perhaps happier than he could ever remember being, but of course, he should have known that was too good to be true. He didn't deserve the life he had been pretending to have, and this felt like his payback for ignoring his responsibilities as a sibling in favor of wasting his days away with Frank.

If Gerard had been paying more attention to Mikey, if he had made more time for him, perhaps he could have stopped this. A part of Gerard knew that he was taking on another burden that wasn't entirely his to bear, but he couldn't help but shoulder some of the blame. He knew Mikey had been spiraling, he remembered going through that exact same scenario himself, but he hadn't done anything to truly help him. He had talked to him sure - but he hadn't tried to stop him, he hadn't explained in all honesty how awful things had gotten for him at the end, or how his addictions had played such a large role in the ending of My Chemical Romance.

"So..." Gerard sighed solemnly, "this is all pretty fucked up yeah?"

Mikey didn't answer of course, he couldn't, but Gerard felt like he had to express himself vocally, otherwise he might explode. He knew Mikey wasn't hearing him, he didn't believe that rumor that people in comas were aware of the outside world, but he couldn't stop himself from speaking. He needed to get this off his chest, sort of like a trial run that he would hopefully be able to repeat once Mikey was properly awake.

"I hate that you've ended up here, it breaks my heart. You're alive though yeah? We have a chance to fight this, to help you kick this habit. I did it, but only when things got bad, although my situation was a bit different than yours."