Here's to the Heartache (Frerard) *Discontinued*

18: The Obliteration Of Frank Iero

Frank rolled his pencil back and forth on his desk, the irritating sound grating on his already shot nerves, but it was as if Frank was physically incapable of stopping the pointless, repetitive action, because it was a distraction, it was movement, it was something to do, and if Frank didn't keep himself occupied, everything would catch up to him; the weighty anxiety caused by Gerard's presence at the front of the class would drag him down into the bowels of the earth, suffocating Frank before he could claw his way out, his lungs would fill with dirt, rendering him helpless and unable to scream, until he finally gave in, losing himself completely before his last breath left his body.

The blank space at the bottom of Frank's worksheet mocked him every time the pencil passed over it, the white paper just waiting for Frank to add his final lyric to it, the other two had come easily to Frank, almost as if he knew this day would come, and he had been storing the words away for when he would have to explain himself to Gerard, but now Frank was stuck, all thought process halted, because this was his last chance, his last words, his last everything, and he only had fifteen more minutes left in class before Gerard would collect the paper that Frank had poured his heart and soul onto.

But Frank's grand gesture wouldn't accomplish its desired task if Frank didn't find the perfect words to sum everything up, because what he had so far was good, it was passable, but it wasn't enough - not even close, and yes - Frank was well aware that he was placing an unrealistic amount of hope on this stupid assignment, and it was possible that it wouldn't change anything, Gerard might not even read it, so Frank needed to hurry the fuck up and just pick something already, but he didn't want to force himself into a hasty decision that he would regret later on.

Because this was important, even if Gerard didn't see it that way, Frank did, and all of his crumbling dreams of a perfect relationship with Gerard were now tangled up in this pointless busy work that Gerard probably had no intention of grading, but that didn't matter right now, nothing did, besides for Frank finishing the assignment, because then he could talk to Gerard, he could show him how sorry he was, and then maybe this sensation of choking to death on his own emotions would vacate Frank's shaky body, letting him breath freely for the first time in almost an hour.

But Frank was quickly losing the motivation he had possessed earlier on, his fears rearing up again now that class was so close to ending; Frank's heart was beating loudly, so loudly that Frank was positive that everyone in the small room could hear it, even though no one had reacted to the thumping noise so far, in fact - no one was even looking at him, which was for the best, because Frank had begun to tremble again, his exhalations rasping as they escaped his rapidly closing throat, and Frank didn't want anyone drawing attention to his mostly silent panic attack he was currently experiencing. 

Frank focused his gaze back at his paper again, glancing over the now nearly memorized sentences that he had penned down frantically, an expression of distaste twisting his mouth as what had once seemed so genuine and heartfelt began to appear juvenile and pathetic with this most recent read through.

1. I'll be so alone without you, maybe you'll be lonesome too. - Misfits

I'm so sorry Gerard, I am...I never meant for you to find out this way. I wish there was no reason for me to lie to you in the first place, but I need you - I swear, and this doesn't change anything. I am still the same Frank I was yesterday, and I hope this doesn't mean that your feelings for me have gone away, because I don't want to be alone...please?

2. I'm lucky to have met you, I don't care what you think, unless it is about me - Nirvana

I mean this Gerard, I really do, and I know I have never really told you in person, but you are so fucking important to me. It is as if the entire world falls away when I am with you, and it's just you and me - no one else exists, nothing bad can get to me when you are around, and I feel safe for the first time in forever. I want to make you feel that way too, and that is why I lied. I couldn't fuck up any chance I ever had with you before I found out if there was anything there...and there was, fuck - I hope you feel the same way.