Here's to the Heartache (Frerard) *Discontinued*

22: Falling Down The Rabbit Hole

As soon as Gerard shut the door behind Frank's retreating figure, he broke - physically and mentally; his knees buckled underneath him, depositing his body onto the floor in a messy heap of limbs and ruination, the tears he had refused to shed in front of Frank spilling down his cheeks suddenly, his chest aching as he clutched at his hair weakly, pulling the dark strands sharply in an attempt to push his emotional agony to the background with a dose of physical pain.

Forcing Frank to leave had been the hardest thing Gerard had ever had to do in his life, in fact, he had almost lost his resolve numerous times during their short conversation, and it had taken all of the mental willpower he possessed to hold true to his earlier decision of giving them both some time to think about what they were getting themselves into, even though the only thing Gerard had wanted to do was to clutch tightly to Frank's small frame and never let him go.

But this separation was the best option for the both of them, even though it didn't feel that way, but no matter how much Gerard cared for Frank, he couldn't allow him to ruin his life by participating in an illegal relationship, even if he was willing to risk everything for a chance to be with Gerard.

And honestly - Gerard didn't understand why Frank was so invested in him, although yes - there was something there between them, a undeniable bond that Gerard had never experienced with another human being before, but he had never been sure if Frank felt it as well, or if he simply enjoyed the way Gerard gave him attention, the way he listened to him, the way he provided him with a shoulder to cry on, but if Frank could be believed, which Gerard still wasn't one-hundred percent certain about, than Gerard meant more to Frank than he could ever begin to fathom, and although that thought did release a soft spark of joy in Gerard's chest, it also hurt, because Frank shouldn't feel that way about him, it would only end in pain.

"Gee?" Mikey's voice broke through Gerard's self-imposed misery, his soft footsteps resounding alongside Gerard's choked sobs until his sock clad toes appeared at the edges of Gerard's blurred field of vision. "How are you holding up?" Mikey asked warily, causing Gerard to release a strangled laugh, because his slumped over position in front of the door spoke volumes for his mental state, not to mention the tear tracks staining his swollen face, but he knew that Mikey meant well, so he forced himself to answer, although the last thing he wanted to do was talk about his feelings.

"Not that well," Gerard chuckled dryly, his fingers trembling as he pressed them against his eyes in an effort to stop crying for long enough to reassure Mikey that he would be fine, even though Gerard wasn't anywhere close to that, but he didn't want to worry Mikey any more than he already was.

"I'm sorry - I probably shouldn't have let Frank in here, but he was a wreck, and I couldn't just leave him like that...you know?" Mikey murmured softly, as if the mention of Frank's name might shatter Gerard completely if it was uttered at a volume louder than a whisper, which might not actually be too far from the truth.

"No - it's okay, I needed to talk with him anyway...I just didn't know it would be so hard," Gerard choked out, shrinking in on himself in the process, because maybe if he made himself smaller, he could protect himself from the metaphorical arrows filled with sorrow that were continuously piercing his battered frame, or maybe not, but either way, he felt slightly better with his knees tucked against his chest and his forehead resting against them.

"What did you say to him?" Mikey prodded gently, and Gerard wasn't sure if Mikey was simply trying to get Gerard to release some of his emotional torment through words, or if he honestly didn't know, because Gerard wouldn't put it past Mikey to eavesdrop on his private conversations, he had done it numerous times before after all, but after a deep sigh, he decided to humor his young brother, he really had nothing better to do after all besides for lock himself in his room and cry until he became hysterical.