If Not For You

Chapter 40

Jenna pulled the bottom of her shirt and yanked it up over her head.  She twisted her combination into her padlock and opened the locker door.  She reached her hand in and grabbed her clothes.  Before she had the opportunity to put any of them on Kelly came from behind her and positioned herself against Jenna and the lockers.  She had her arms a crossed her chest.  Kelly just stood there like that glaring at Jenna.  She didn’t speak any words.  Jenna knew that she had obviously wanted something or she wouldn’t have bothered her.  Jenna knew she had to tread lightly or she would spook Kelly.  “Hey Kelly.  How have you been?”

Kelly looked down at the ground and for a minute Jenna thought that she was just going to walk away.  "Um, not great."  She stood there hesitating against saying anything more.

Jenna wasn't sure what to say next.  "I'm really sorry Kelly."  She just stood there staring at the floor.  The other girls came into the locker room.  They were all talking and laughing.  Jenna and Kelly didn't move from where they stood.  Jenna remained silent standing there shoeless and in her bra.  As soon as the last girl left the room tears started streaming down Kelly's face.  Her tears evolved into sobs and Jenna took a step forward and pulled Kelly into a hug.  It was awkward Jenna standing there while Kelly's tears rolled down her bare shoulders.  She held Kelly cooing trying to sooth her.

Eventually Kelly pulled away and wiped her face.  "I'm really sorry how I've treated you.  I just really thought that Ben was different.  Maybe he is different but not for me."

Jenna watched Kelly try to pull herself together.  "So what are you going to do?"

Kelly shrugged.  "I don't know.  I know I'm not ready to be a mom.  I saw my mom struggle and I don't want that to be my life."  She laughed nervously.  "I mean maybe I should just have it.  Who am I kidding, it's not like I'm going to amount to anything anyway."

Jenna felt bad for her.  "That's not true Kelly.  You can be anything you want to be."  Jenna hoped that she sounded convincing because she wasn't sure if she actually believed it, but what good would it do to kick someone who was already down.

Kelly scoffed.  "It's not like I have good grades.  I couldn't get into a good school.  Besides what difference does it make because even if I could get in I couldn't afford it."

"Well what do you want to do?  If you could do anything you wanted to do what would it be?"  Jenna didn't know much about Kelly.  She had no idea how she would answer that question.

Kelly shrugged.  "I really don't know.  I never really thought about it before."  She sat down on the bench staring at her feet.

"You know there is always adoption."  Jenna could tell by Kelly's reaction that she had already thought about that.

"I don't know which is worse, living with knowing that I killed my child or living with knowing that I had one out there somewhere."  Kelly raked her hands through her hair.

Jenna sat down on the bench next to her.  "You could have one of those open adoptions.  You can visit it and watch it grow up."

Kelly sniffed.  "That would be kind of cool."

"Do you have any idea who the father may be?  Do you think that maybe they would want to be involved?"  Jenna couldn't imagine not even having an idea who would have fathered her child.

Kelly looked in Jenna's eyes to see if she was passing judgment.  All she saw was actual concern.  "I mean I have kind of an idea, but none of the possibilities would want to be involved.  It's not like I have the best track record of partners."

"You know there are a lot of people out there who can't have children.  They try but they just can't."  Jenna looked over at Kelly and could tell she was listening.  "They would love to have your baby.  They would embrace this.  You could get excited about this baby because you know in the end you gave them something they couldn't get themselves.  And you would know that you gave your baby the best.  You can give the baby something that you can't provide yourself."

Kelly's eyes filled with tears again.  They slowly fell down her face.  "Would you be there for me?  I know we aren't like friends or anything but I would really like that."

Jenna reached across and hugged Kelly again.  "I will.  Even though we may not be friends now we can be."  Jenna chuckled to herself.  "My grandma used to tell me that a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet."

Kelly laughed.  "That's really cheesy."

Jenna smiled back.  "Yeah, it really is."

Kelly stood up and tossed Jenna her shirt.  "You know I was so jealous of you.  You just have everything together.  You've only been here a few months and you already have my dream guy, a bff, and a cousin who cares about you.  I've lived here my whole life and all I get is a bunch of backstabbing frenemies, a few one night stands that ignore me the next day, and a mother that thinks being popular is the most important thing there is.  Even if it makes me miserable."

Jenna was taken aback by Kelly's perception of her.  She was surprised about how wrong she was.  This whole time that Kelly tortured her it was simply because she felt threatened.  Jenna knew that she hadn't done anything wrong but she couldn't help but feel sorry for her.  "You know I think when you say frenemy the backstabbing is implied."  Jenna wanted to lighten the mood.  They both laughed at that.

"Will you come with me when I tell my mom?"  Kelly asked.

"Of course.  I will be there for you the whole time."  Jenna knew what it was like to be alone.  "So I kind of have plans for tonight but I am free whenever you need me."

Kelly rolled her eyes.  "Oh jees.  I have a few months before I start showing.  I'll tell her then."

Jenna smirked but she wasn't going to argue with her, it was her life.  "How about we start by making a doctor's appointment?"

"So are you going to be like the surrogate father?"  Kelly joked.

Jenna smirked.  "Hey why not."