If Not For You

Chapter 3

Ben walked into the quiet kitchen and saw the list with his name on it on the fridge.  He immediately got to work.  The faster he completed his work the faster he could get out of there.  His heart stopped as he heard a car pull in the driveway.  He hesitantly looked up from the push mower to see that it was just his brother’s car.  His brother, David, had always been his dad’s favorite son.  There wasn’t a reason that anyone could see, he just was.   Doesn’t mean he never got hit or nasty words from his father, just means he got it less.  David never took it for granted.  He always tried to be the referee.  He would stand back and wait until he needed to get involved.  David knew that he only had so many passes to intervene, so he always tried to save them for when shit really went down. 

He waved over to Ben and looked down at his watch.  Ben turned off the mower and jogged over to David.  David told Ben that their mom was over at her sisters helping out and that their dad was on his way back.  He told Ben that if he planned on heading out to do it now and told him to lay low until tomorrow.  Dad wasn’t in a very generous mood.  Ben told David that he wasn’t yet done with the mowing but David told him he would finish it.  Without being told twice he grabbed some clothes and got in his car and left.  He guessed he would have to hope Jax’s mom would let him stay over one more night.

It was too early to head over to Jax’s.  If he hoped to slide in under Jax’s mom’s radar he would have to show up only after the party, when they were going to sleep.  He didn’t feel like being around anyone so he went to his spot.  In the woods back behind the school there was a little spot where the trees thinned out and there was a thick knoll of grass.  There was a cool stream that ran through it.  Whenever Ben needed a place to go this was that place.  He couldn’t count how many nights he spent out here.  When he was 13 shortly after Jax’s mom told him he wasn’t welcome to hang around, Ben would still tell his mom he was staying there and just came here instead. 

At first it was a little scary although at 13 you would never admit it, but he eventually got used to it.  He found it less scary and more peaceful.  He often times would wonder how long it would take his dad to realize that his number one victim was missing but surprising him never cared when the kids were gone.

Ben pulled up to the grassy soccer fields and was heading to the woods when his attention was grabbed by a girl kicking a soccer ball around.  He stayed and watched for a while, slowly slinking back into the woods so she wouldn’t see him.  She couldn’t have purposely gone there for practice because she was wearing baggy jeans and a tight blue tank top.  She was dribbling the ball in bare feet and as she ran her braids down her back flopped all over the place.  Eventually she was more jogging around the field and doing cartwheels than anything else.   He noticed that she stopped abruptly and looked as though she saw him.  She stood there staring in his direction.  Ben stopped where he was, shocked that she seemed to have seen him. Before the girl could make her way over to him a car pulled up and the girl jumped in.  In his shock of possibly being spotted he knew he couldn’t place the car although he knew it looked familiar.

He trudged through the woods to his spot where he laid on the soft grass with his hands behind his head.  He looked up into the sky and the rushing water of the stream lulled him to sleep.  When he woke up it was late afternoon.  He pulled out a cigarette and puffed away thinking about the girl.  He wasn’t much of one to take notice of those things.   When you have a hard life you don’t tend to spend too much of your precious sanity thinking about girls.  Especially girls.  The females he knew could drive a sane person to the edge.  They all seem to have agendas.  The all seem to want more from you than you are willing to give.  In this small town the girls seem to feel as though they have no worth unless a guy is on top of you.  If they aren’t sleeping around they aren’t relevant.  Ben knew in his own life where that kind of mentality would take these girls and he didn’t want that kind of responsibility. 

But that girl on the soccer field just seemed to be living in the moment.  She seemed to find happiness in just being.  As though your existence in life is not only enough for a person, but also the point of life itself.  He remembered a saying he read in a book once.  Back when he needed to read to get out of his life.  The saying said “the meaning of life is to have a life of meaning”.  It seemed so simple yet so complicated at the same time. He finished his cigarette and walked back out of the woods to the car.  He didn’t like thinking about things like that.  He didn’t like looking past today.  What’s the point of planning for tomorrow when you have to fight so hard to get through today?

He picked up Jax and they headed over to the quarry.  They met up with their usual group of friends.  It was one of the last nights before school was going to begin.  Jax and Ben walked up to Paul and Joe.  Paul reached in the cooler in the trunk and pulled out 2 beers and tossed them each one.  Ben noticed a face he wasn’t familiar with over in the crowd of girls.  “Who’s that?” he asked to nobody in particular.

“That’s my cousin, Jenna.” Paul said.  “She just moved here.  She is living with our grandmother.”  At that moment Jenna met their stares and gave a little wave to Paul, who smiled and waved back.  She then turned back to Lena and laughed at whatever it was she said that was funny.  Ben just looked at her trying to not be obvious.  She was small and dark.  She was wearing baggy pants and a tight blue tank top.  She had on flip flops and a ring on every finger.  Her hair was long and dark and put in two braids that fell down her back. 

She was the girl from the soccer field.  Seeing her up close he noticed she looked young for her age, although Ben didn’t even know yet how old she was.  He was very interested in knowing more about her, but he didn’t ask.  He didn’t show interest.  A crush was the last thing he needed.  A relationship was the last thing he wanted.  Ben just wanted to forget the whole day and his whole reality.  He drank until he couldn’t think anymore.  The last thing he remembered was making it to Jax’ floor before falling to sleep.