If Not For You

Chapter 24

He parked the car outside the woods.  He said nothing and got out of the car and headed towards their spot.  His spot.  It wasn’t hers.  She had come into his spot and tried to find comfort there.  The way she came into his life and created chaos.  He wished he had never met her.  Even as he thought it he knew it wasn’t true.  He didn’t know what to think or what to believe. 

Today was a bad day.  Today was one of the worse days he’s witnessed in a long time.  After his dad got done he had to pick his mom up off the floor.  He took her over to his sisters.  She was going to stay there a while.  But Ben knew it wouldn’t last.  She would come back.  Even in a house full of people she would eventually feel alone and want to go back.  Ben couldn’t ever figure how a man that beat you would ever be better than being alone.  He wondered if his dad ever loved his mother.  If he had ever been gentle towards her.   Ben had never wanted to love anyone.  He never wanted to feel anything.  Ever since he had decided he had feelings for Jenna, the thing he had been feeling the most is pain.

Jenna sat in the passenger seat.  She wasn’t exactly sure what to do.  She looked at her phone to see what time it was.  It was only 9.30.  Her curfew was 11.30.  She texted Lena to let her know she was okay and told Lena she would text her to meet back up to go to her grandmother’s house.

She took another long sip from her flask and opened the car door.  She let her eyes adjust to the darkness before she tried to find Ben.  She knew where he was.  As she was walking towards him she saw his outline in the light.  He looked so small.  There was something about him tonight that seemed so fragile.  She called out to him and he didn’t move.  Not a muscle.  She walked up and stood beside him.  She reached out and grabbed his hand.  It was cold.

“I didn’t kiss him.  He kissed me.  That was the first time that happened.  I’m sorry that you had to see that.  I would never do that to you.  I’m sorry.”  Jenna stood there waiting for him to say something, anything.  But it never came.  He just stood there looking out into the water.  “I’m sorry, Ben.  I’m really sorry.”   She noticed in his eyes a look she could never escape.  No matter where she went in life it was there.  It was a look she never thought he would give her.  A look she never wanted to see again, disappointment.

All Ben could think about is the loneliness over taking him.   He thought about when he met her and he felt alive.  He felt something he had never felt before.  He thought he had seen in her a kindred spirit.  Someone who knew what it was like to be despised by the people who were supposed to love you the most.  He thought he had finally been freed of the life he knew was inevitable, but he was wrong.  He felt more alone now then he had before.  He had seen the light at the end of the tunnel only to find out it was a train coming straight at him.  He shut down.  Jenna had only been an illusion.  He thought she was something better than she was.

Jenna stood there in the silence for a few minutes more.  The quiet screaming in her ears.  It was almost deafening.  When she was sure there was nothing more she could do to comfort him, she leaned in and kissed him on his check.  She let go of his hand and walked out of the woods.  Leaving Ben in the darkness alone.

When she made it back to his car she called Lena.  Jenna told Lena where she was and asked if she could come and pick her up.  After a few minutes Jenna saw the headlights of Lena’s car and she walked up to meet it.  Seeing Ben’s car parked there, Jax opened the door and stepped out.

“He’s back by the water.  He hasn’t said a word.  He won’t talk to me.”  Jenna looked at Jax trying to hold back the tears.  She knew that she didn’t do anything wrong but she also knew that all the pain that she saw in Ben was brought on him by her.  She never wanted to hurt him.  She had tried to stay away from him all this time because she didn’t want to hurt him.  She watched as Jax kissed Lena goodbye and walked in after his friend.  Jenna got into the front seat of the car and they drove off into the night.