Jax and Ben spent that night working on jax’ truck. They sat in the garage smoking cigarettes and drinking cheap beer. They talked about engines, football, and Lena. Well Jax talked about Lena. He really liked her. Apparently they have been hooking up over the last couple months. As jax continued talking about her Ben could tell he really liked her.
Ben didn’t have the heart to tell Jax that at the end of the year last year, Lena came and found Ben in his hiding spot and professed her love for him. She admitted that she had loved him for some time now and wanted to know if he felt the same. She wanted to be with him. Ben had just had a particularly bad fight with his dad. His dad had flung some harsh words at him and told him he was a loser and that he was ashamed to be his father. He also hurled a prediction that Ben would never find anyone to love him. Her words reached him deep inside and he convinced himself he loved her too. He told her that he loved her and they spent the night together. He woke up the next morning with the light of the dawn and looked over at Lena, curled up on the thin blanket that was sprawled across the floor of the forest. He knew then in the light of the day that he in fact did not love her. He also knew he did not want to hurt her. She still was a good friend to him and she is such a good person.
He sat there in the light until she woke up. She sat up and leaned in to kiss him. He kissed her back and got up, reaching his hand down to her. He pulled her up off the ground and drove her home. She had an ear to ear grin the whole ride there. She was just staring at him. He wasn’t sure what to say or how to start. His silence must have said enough because when he pulled into her driveway she had tears streaming down her face. She leaned in to kiss him one last time. She wiped her eyes. It hurt Ben to know that he was the cause of her pain and her tears but he couldn’t be what she wanted him to be. He regretted that in a way he had used her. Not for the sex but for the comfort that her love had brought to him. She would’ve been easy to love. She would’ve taken whatever he would have given her and it would’ve been enough. But that wasn’t what he wanted, he didn’t want any of it. In his life there was only room for one. Anymore and there would be casualties in the end. He watched her walk up to her door and waited until she unlocked it and pulled it shut behind her. He knew that a part of him wished that he could’ve loved her, a part of him wondered if he could ever love another. When your life is so filled with hate, is love possible?
Around 1 A.M. Jax and Ben decided to call it quits. They washed up and went into Jax’s house. They didn’t have a large house but it was nice and always cleans. Jax’s mom was polite to Ben and I guess in a sense, motherly but she made it clear years back that although she would allow Jax and Ben to hang out that she wasn’t getting involved in Ben’s home life and her house was not a safe haven for lost boys. Jax’s dad always talked to Ben like a grownup and Ben in a way thought that he didn’t exactly agree with his wife’s decision but he also didn’t contradict her. After their little chat with Ben about being around too much, Ben hadn’t gone back there for a few months. He made a conscious effort to not hang around there too often.
The next morning Ben got up when the sun arose and went into the adjoining bathroom to Jax’s room to take a shower. He quickly got dressed and left the house. It was Saturday and there would be chores for Ben to do at home. He pulled into his driveway and went inside. It was quiet. Ben lived there with his mom, brother, and HIM. His father was a beast. He would love to say that his dad hadn’t always been that way. That something so sad and tragic happened in their lives that he turned into the heartless monster that he was. But that would be too convenient. He couldn’t speak for his mom, he didn’t know if his dad had ever been nice to her. He couldn’t understand how a woman could stay with a man like that. How can love be so strong for one person but never exist inside another. It would seem that after so long of being loved, you yourself would be capable of love. But not Ben’s father. Ben may have not been a genius but he also wasn’t dumb. The connection between his fear of love and his parent’s destructive relationship was not lost on him.
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If Not For You
Teen FictionBen is your average high schooler. He plays football, hangs with friends, and tries to avoid his homelife at all costs. Although surrounded by girls and friends he's always felt alone. After graduation, he plans on leaving and never coming back...
