Day 386 without you.
I will search the earth for you. I don't care if you hate me or not, I will still try to find you. Today I went to the counseling office and asked about you, but they said they can't release any private information about other patients, and if they did tell me they wouldn't be able to let me know where you live because all they knew was that you aren't here anymore.
Where are you? Are you still in beautiful Italy? Are you watching the sunset on the balcony of your villa and sharing a glass of wine with a foreign girl who swoops you off your feet with her eyes and the way she speaks to you? Are you falling in love? Are you falling out of love with me?
When I knew you first started to fall for me, I wanted to do anything to make sure that wouldn't happen. I had hated the idea of it. Now I would do anything for you fall in love with me again. I would die if it meant you could love me. Right now I know you don't because you wouldn't have left me if you did. I forgive you.
My counselor said I should meet new people. He told me forgetting you can be dangerous because if I do forget you and something triggers me to recall you again, I wouldn't know how to handle it. Besides, you're too lovely to forget.
In some ways, I understand why you're not with me anymore. I've done evil deeds, Eren, I've robbed, wounded and kidnapped. I've done nothing but do ugly things my whole life. You were the only beautiful thing I've had.
Even though everything is hurting and I want to do nothing more than to dig a profound pit, step into it and bury myself in it as I perish gradually, our old memories are what keeps me motivated but now they don't bring me the only pleasure of reminiscing dusty thoughts, but sorrow. When you kissed me for the first time at your friend Armin's place, I may have been drunk but the fine details are still sharp. I loved the way your goddamn mouth tasted like soda and how we had a hunger so fierce but so soft. It was as if my hands were meant for your skin. Remember when I made to you for the first time and then you said you wanted to be with me and when I hesitated because of my situation, you accused me of only using you like a quick and convenient fuck? Maybe I was just the quick and convenient fuck the entire time.
Perhaps this is what I deserve after what happened to you, after what I did to you. So when I really think about it, I don't have the right to be mad. Sometimes I wish I can I hate you. If I hate you, this would be a whole lot easier. I know in my last email to you I said I hated you, but I never mean it. How can I? I can't. It's impossible. If we switched places and you were the one who kidnapped me, I wouldn't be able to.
I broke you so bad.
You always say that it wasn't my fault, but I'm not a dumbass. I did what I did with the intentions of hurting someone. I wish I wasn't stupid enough to do it.
I love you always.
P.S. Fuck you.
