Two weeks had passed, then three. Soon it had been months and then a whole year since he last saw Eren. At first, he wasn't concerned when Eren didn't pick up his calls because he was in Italy and was probably doing a lot of touring and local activities, but soon he became distraught when Eren never answered anything after the two weeks he said he would spend there.
Levi was surprised he wasn't dead yet. He had no reason to live and yet, he stayed hopeful; he ate and went out for walks in hopes that Eren will come waltzing back into their shared home. He wanted to be alive if he came back.
At the same time, he was filled with a suppressed feeling of rage. If he was the size of a titan, he wanted to pluck Eren from where he could be and demand why he had done what he had, why he left him without a trace or clue and why he never contacted him all this time. He wanted to hurt him because of the hurt he was feeling due to his sudden disappearance. Wanted to scream at him and make him go on his knees as he explained his betrayal in full, gruesome detail. If nature could mimic his emotions, the earth world shake with great force and burst into flame. But he also wanted to embrace Eren and tell him how he still loved him and how beautiful he thought he was. It depended on the day and what kind of anger he felt. Levi was always feeling two types of anger; wet and dry anger. Wet being the numb and crying sort of mood, and dry being explosive and emotions turned onto fill volume.
Eren was nothing more than a bittersweet memory that he held dear to his heart. He could still recall the way his whole face seemed to light up when he smiled and how his voice trembled whenever he told Levi he loved him. Some things were harder to remember, so difficult that he had to write it down before he could forget forever. He started to forget about the way his skin smelled after getting out of the shower. When he read through his journal it stated that Eren had a sweet earthy smell to him with the quotation, "maybe he's a part of nature, a goddamn beautiful creation." He would never forget about his voice though because he still had plenty of voicemails and screen recordings of their Skype calls. His voice was lovely and comforting. Although he listened to them religiously, he felt as if he was becoming more distant in his memory like a stray boat left to fight off violent waves.
Holidays were the absolute worst to go through. Everyone was happy and surrounded by the ones they loved while he was busy being numb and lonely. He had bought a mini Christmas tree, only to light it on fire a few hours later due to a fit of anger. On Valentine's day he tried to hook up with someone at the bar but when he was about to do the deed with them in a hotel room, he told them he had to make an urgent call when really he ran straight home and threw up bile and alcohol. He felt so hollow like he was the void itself and there was nothing he could do to rid himself of this. It made his chest tight and painful when he realized how no one was there for him and how his only contact on his phone was his counselor and Eren.
With emotions came coping mechanisms and over a period of time, he developed a habit of sending Eren emails. Like all his texts and calls, he never answered his emails. He imagined it as writing in a journal.
He woke up a few minutes before three in the afternoon and dragged himself to where his battered laptop was sitting atop the small dining table. Even though he slept for almost fourteen hours, he was mentally and physically drained.
Day 385 without you.
I started to think that if some people were meant to be happy, some were meant for misery and loneliness and I am unfortunate enough to be one of them.
There is not a day when I don't think of you, how could I ever forget about you? You came into my life, left your mark and left without a word and no matter what I do I can help but think you did this on purpose. And yet everything feels as if it has never changed, that you are just a mere lack of sleep induced hallucination. You were my dream boy and now I know it's not only because you were the man of my dreams, but because like dreams you were temporary. You were a dream too good, the kind where you beg your body to fall back asleep when you feel it reeling you out of it. You're the sort of dream that I force my eyes shut whenever I feel myself awakening. I never wanted it to end and yet I had a hunch this was going to happen. Even so, I don't regret what I had said that day when you said you wanted to say something but didn't want to offend me and I insisted you tell me, only for you to admit you wanted to kiss me and I agreed. If I knew at that moment that you would leave me, I would change nothing and leave it as it is because this pain was worth it. All this hurt I've accumulated was worth one drop of honey I guess you could say.
I hope you're doing okay. I wonder if you're thinking of me too. I wonder if you hate me. I wonder if you intended to do this. I wonder if the reason why you were so upset at the airport was that you knew all along that it was going to be our last day together. You are such a sweet sin, you know that?
And maybe I am like your antidepressants. You needed me but you did not want me.
I hate you so much but I am so very in love with you all at once. How could you do this? I thought I mattered to you. I thought I made you happy. Was I the reason behind your sudden panic attacks at night? I probably was. I want you back but I feel like it is better his way. You're probably getting fewer attacks and if they do happen, there is someone better to watch after you. I hope in your heart somewhere you still love me and that you haven't forgotten about me yet. I wonder if you're being a creep like me and holding on to anything that brings me back to you.
I love you. You know that I do and I kind of hate myself for it. How can I love you after this? How can I love you when you know that being alone is dangerous to me and you did it anyway? The world has many mysteries and my love for you is one of them.
I'm tired. I have no energy to go out today so I plan to make a bowl of ramen, watch the Netflix show End of The Fucking World and call it a day. I hope you're being more productive than I am. I miss you. I miss how your mouth feels against mine and how you sing when you think I'm not listening. God. You're a masterpiece. How dare you hide something as wonderful as you away from me?
Anyways, I'm horny, sad and tired. I'll type again soon. I love you, you fucking asshole.
Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.
Please come back.
Please.
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a quick and short update! the next few chapters will be similar where levi writes emails to eren about how he feels about everything. I have the ending planned out and i'm so excited to write it. uwu
