I'm A Walking Disaster (jalex)

They're Better Off Without You

Chapter One
Title from Therapy by All Time Low.

Life is an interesting thing.

One day you can be happy, you have a perfect girlfriend, a job, two loving parents, great friends, good grades, and you might be finally learning to accept your brothers death..

Until it's all taken away,

Your girlfriend cheats on you, you lose your job because you've been too distracted to work, your parents break it to you that your brother did not in fact die in his sleep, he committed suicide. Your guilt takes over, you start pushing away your friends, grades drop,
you're at constant war with your parents.

You come out as gay, you didn't mean to but you said it out of rage, your dad stops talking to you, your mom cries. You start cutting to distract yourself from your life that seems to be spinning out of control, for a moment you're in control.

One day the teachers notice the cuts, you get called to the office, they call your parents and you go home early. When you're home your mom yells and tries to shake an answer out of you but you can't even provide an answer for yourself. You get signed up for therapy, get sent to a professional, then after he diagnoses you with Clinical depression and Anxiety he sends you off to another, that one sends you off to someone else, then she sends you to someone else..she gives you medication before sending you to someone else. Before you know it you've been through ten professionals, each of them said something like "I'm afraid Im not professional enough to deal with his case"

I tried to kill myself once and was hospitalized, the second time I tried to kill myself my parents started threatening me with a Psychiatric Ward.

Now I'm sitting in my bedroom floor, my parents are arguing in the kitchen, I have a new blade pressed to the top of my wrist. They just announced to me that I'll be switching schools (we live between two districts so I can go to either one) and whatever friends I had left, I will now be torn away from.

Call me sensitive, but I've wanted to end it for a long time, and I won't end up in a Psychiatric ward because this time I put extra time into making sure that they wouldn't find me until I've bled out.

Thinking of someone I love finding my body always scared me, I never wanted them to have to find me like that but I've finally reached my breaking point and I don't care anymore.

I held in the sobs that wanted to rack my body and I looked up to the ceiling and took a deep breath before pressing the new blade into my wrist with as much force as possible, I drag down, starting at the top of my wrist and ending at the elbow. There's more blood than there was last time and I know it'll work this time, blood flowed out of my arm. There was a strong stinging pain as I watched my arm gape open. I don't cut on my arms, I usually cut on my thighs, hips, chest, and shoulders to assure that I'm not caught so the only scars on my arms were there from the last suicide attempt. I smiled through tears as my vision starts to go black.
This is it.

***

Before I open my eyes I don't even question where I am, the sterile smell and light beeping noises give away the fact that I didn't succeed and I'm now in the hospital. I lightly open my eyes to the brightly lit room, tears rush to my eyes as I look down at my bandaged wrist.

I'm such a fuck up I can't even commit suicide right.

I sigh aggravatingly into the empty room and wonder how my parents are taking this, they are probably pissed off at me for doing it. I should've been smart enough to do it somewhere other than my house, I just didn't think they would come up to my room anytime soon.

I jumped as the doctor swiftly rushed in, he was shorter than average and he had a friendly face, he reminded me of a teddy bear "oh! You're awake" he said excitedly as he walked closer. I felt the tears on my face but I didn't move to wipe them away.
"Hello Alex, I'm Mr.Stump" he said in a cheery tone.

I didn't know what to say but I blurted out the first thing that came to mind "is your first name tree?"

He did a light chuckle and detached a needle from my arm and smiled at me "do you remember what happened?"

I'm not stupid, if I'm suicidal and I wake up with bandages on my arms I know what happened, I nodded lightly letting the serious tone take over the room. He sighed and glanced at my bandaged arm "you're good to go as soon as you wake up" he stated calmly, I felt my face lift but he gave me another serious look "but-"

"But what? I'm awake, I'm alive" I blurted. I already had a plan and I was going to do it again right as I was alone, this time I would jump off the large bridge that lead from the highway to a section of land that was now covered in houses. Then I would just be gone, no one would know I was gone because I never write notes, perhaps I should so they don't think I was kidnapped or murdered. While I was planning this out in my head Mr.Stump was trying to regain my attention

"Alex" he yanked my attention back to him and I stared into his eyes, letting him have my attention. "Your parents are deciding to put you in the Teen Psychiatric Unit here..they already signed the paperwork and brought your clothes" I felt panic set in and I shook my head vigorously.

"No! No no no no, I'm not crazy" I objected, I knew that no one in there was crazy but I said the first thing, after seeing his face when I said crazy I quickly thought of ways to correct my wording. "I-I'm not like them, I don't need it! I'm okay" I objected, hoping it worked, he nodded sympathetically.

"Alex, you do need help and we are here to help" he said calmly. I tried to breathe, I almost forgot that they wanted to send me there, I never thought they would actually send me to the Psychiatric Unit "we're letting you stay in here until lunch, during lunch most people will be in the Cafeteria so-"

"What do you mean by most people?" I interrupted skeptically, surely they didn't let people skip meals did they? He gave me a light smile before explaining.

"Some people are allowed to be taken in their rooms and supervised while eating" he said simply before bringing the conversation back to the original topic "we'll give you a tour while everyone's eating, then we can discuss rules..every Friday in your first group session you will review rules anyway" I felt sick. I wanted to throw up as my mind began to think of every possible thing, what if I stay here forever? What if I need to self harm?

I won't be able to, they'll keep me from the only thing that makes me any better.

I felt frozen as he looked to me for something to say "uh, how long will I be here?" My legs were shaking as my stomach worked on making me more sick.

"we'll see" he said, walking towards the door. I felt myself give him a frustrated look. Is he leaving me? He just broke it to me that I'll be stuck in this hell for longer than today, I brought my hand up to my face and stressfully wiped my eyes.

I was alone again, the clock hanging directly in front of me on the other side of the room read 12:15pm so I began to wonder when lunch time was. I nurse in blue scrubs came in, she was darker with a big nose so I guessed she was Indian "you can get dressed in the bathroom" she pointed towards the bathroom in an accent I didn't know, I noticed a bag in her hand that must be mine. I quietly got up from the tiny hospital bed and ignored my stinging wrist, I walked over to the woman and grabbed the bag tiredly

"thanks" I whispered for some reason. I made my way into the tiny bathroom and clicked the lock

"uh, sir, no locking the door please" I sighed and unlocked it before getting dressed in a sweater that I was always fond of around Christmas, and a pair of black skinny jeans and Vans.
My parents managed to pack reasonable clothes, they were all things I would wear so they probably just threw everything in my drawers in the bag.

I felt tears sting my eyes again as I thought of going to that place, I felt like I was in prison already, but worst was probably yet to come.