Behind the shelf | YUTAE | ON HOLD

Never, ever again

i clutched my sides and rolled over in my bed in agony. I felt broken. Tears streamed down my face in salty streaks. I felt like i couldn't breathe. My nose was stuffed and my mouth was full of stifled sobs.
I had been at the surface of the water for so long that it was time i had to go under and face the sharks.
I knew no matter how hard i tried, i couldnt explain this feeling to anyone.
It's seems just when i think things are starting to go back to the way they were, it all falls back down again, and again.
One second i was absolutely fine, then i felt like i was drowning.

I don't know why, all of the sudden this happened. I came home from the library with Kayla. I felt happy for the first time in a while. I had planned to make ramen, take a shower and go to sleep. But once i got into my penthouse, i just broke down. I shut my door and lingered there. Something just clicked and i just laid back and slid to the ground.
All of the pieces of my life that felt like they were falling into place (finally)just shattered, again.
The pain i was experiencing right now was nothing I'd ever experienced before. It could've been because i ignored it all. I had built this shell to protect my thoughts from going deeper than i wanted them too. But now my own mind broke through to the darkest part of my mind.
I couldn't keep going on pretending like i didn't have feelings for Yuta. Even, thinking about him made my heart hurt and my head spin. I had no sense of reality.
I couldn't keep pretending that i didn't miss Irene.
I couldn't keep pretending that i was fine when i felt like i was drowning.
I needed to come face to face with my stupid feelings and figure out what to do because i couldn't do this anymore.

I needed to find a way to get over Yuta. Yes, i like(d) him but i can't now. I have fans and critics that i need to impress if i want to get to where i want to go. Just thinking of it made me cry harder but i knew it was only right.
My mind kept replaying every interaction I'd had with him. His features were ingrained in my mind. Something i don't think i could forget.
When Irene gets back from Japan, I'm going to apologize. Even if we aren't friends anymore, we work in the same damn company and we can't just ignore eachother.

So it was settled, i was going to put an end to this. No matter how much it really hurt me. I was going to try and put my mind in the right place.

But still, i sobbed and cried. It all felt so far away. Like no matter how hard i tried, the finish line just kept moving farther and farther away. Soon enough, I'd give up. But not before i put up a fight.

My phone ringed it was my manager. I knew because i put a different ringtone just so i know if it was important.

Manager Lee: big news!! Venue at 2018 Seoul Family Concert booked YOU.
Manager Lee: big plans for the concert, please come by tomorrow so we can corrdinate practices and such!
Manager Lee: you deserve this TY!

I groaned and shut off the phone. The Seoul Family Concert was a big deal. They only book the best of the best. I was excited and sacred despite my current pit of despair. This was a great opportunity. One that i needed to be ready for.

Although the exciting news i still felt horrible. That made it even worse. I shouldn't be sad, i have such a good life. Other artist would kill for a stage at that concert. Most definitely a solo stage that i was getting.

It was so late i didn't know what to feel anymore so i fell into a deep, dreamless sleep. And when i woke up, i knew i never ever wanted to go back to that part of my mind, ever again.

A/N
YO BITCHES i figured out how I'm gonna end the story and it's awesome.

And two updates? Who even am i anymore😨