Blonde Ivory

Number Fifteen: h.m.s

Hayden Sterling

Diary Entry #4

Date: November 26th

Hello, Journal, so to say that shit has hit the fan for me would be an understatement. So much has happened in so little time. It's crazy to think that only a few months ago I was on a world tour with Firelight Moon, then we got our own contract, and now I've realized that my entire relationship with the girl who I thought was the love of my life was a complete lie.

When we were together, I thought about marriage. I thought about adopting children. I thought about what my mom would like my children to call her and what color the bouquets at our wedding should be. I thought about how the earth's atmosphere would struggle beneath the weight of our love.

I suppose I was the only one who thought of those things. She never loved me. She just felt that she should've but she didn't and she felt guilty about it. It's my fault for believing I found the love of my life at seventeen. I should've been smarter; should've actually thought of all the things she said and did. It was so artificial that anybody could've spotted it from a mile away.

I want to get over her and I've tried nearly everything, Journal, you have to understand that first to understand why I've done what I've done. I want to get over her, but I don't feel sadness, I feel anger. I want her to know what she's missing out on. I want her to understand what I've been going through since she's been sleeping with those random strangers.

It's hard to explain. I want her to feel hurt just like me.

That's why I... Entertained the idea of Connor and me becoming more. It was quite easy to take advantage of another human, especially when you summon the Macha Levay-Fitzgilbert into your personality and your 'aura' as she would say. It all started three days ago, on Tuesday, when I asked if Connor and I could schedule a spur-of-the-moment vocal lesson with Julie who is always accompanied by her girlfriend, Emmy.

Sidenote that is irrelevant to the events I'm about to explain: You'd think that your girlfriend being a voice coach for the stars (nearly all of them being the most beautiful people to ever walk the earth) would make you jealous. Not to Emmy which is surprising. Macha is the jealous type which is why sometimes it made our relationship quite difficult. Yet, Emmy and Julie are perhaps the most confident people I've ever seen in a relationship. Their trust, if it was a physical object, could withstand the pressure of two tectonic plates rubbing against each other. That's what I want in a relationship: Trust.

Anyways, sorry for getting off track. Julie happily agreed. That's also what I want: To be excited to go to work. Lately, that hasn't been much of a problem. I've been on sort of an inspiration high these past few weeks and I must contribute that success to the medication that Dr. Townsend prescribed me to.

Trofanil or imipramine...Something like that. Usually I struggle with taking pills and with these I have to take two, 150mg a day. I don't mind taking these though. Maybe because I know how bad I really need to get better. Especially before our tour.

Either way, we all agreed to meet at ten o'clock in the morning at Julie's office. Connor, as always, was waiting on me just inside the building- leaning against the thick, white columns that compliment the silver marble floors perfectly. He was wearing his oversized headphones probably playing Childish Gambino, his sandy blond hair was likely not brushed and hidden underneath a beanie, and his lean and somewhat muscular body was adorned in sweatpants and a sweatshirt that smelled like laundry detergent and recently smoked weed. His appearance was no different to how it usually was: Relaxed with an 'I really don't give a shit about anything' vibe. All of the boys in Firelight Moon dress that way- sometimes Alfonso dresses up but most of the time... None of them do.