Modest Absolution - Book 5 (Larry Stylinson AU)

Chapter 30 - There's no way to repair it

‘Keep Calm and Don’t Let Me Go’ – Forever The Sickest Kids

There’s no way to repair it

Three Years Earlier

‘Dakota,’ Daisy’s voice was desperate to get through. She inched closer, their best friend Kendall lingering on the sidelines with heaving sobs that filled the room like a war drum. Dakota stayed still, Daisy held her anyway. ‘It’s like you have some inability to show emotion, it’s okay to not be okay Dakota.’ 

Dakota wanted to agree, wanted to fall into her sisters arms but she had fallen too far. Blake had ruined her. 

‘It’s like you have too much control, or no control at all…’ Daisy swiped angrily at her own tears. ‘I want my sister back, not–‘ She shook Dakota, trying to talk some sense into the girl she hardly recognised. ‘Not this girl, this isn’t you. You would never–‘

Dakota looked up, her sister and Kendall a blur behind the tears. ‘But I would,’ she said, words slurred. ‘I’m not her anymore, I’m not anyone… I’m empty.’ 

And it was true, Blake had emptied her of her heart and soul, she couldn’t remember what it felt like to be free and painless.

The one question that terrified Dakota the most, was it Blake that ruined her or was it her? Deep down she knew, part of her breakdown was her own undoing. 

It’s me. I did this.

Present

In another lifetime, Dakota Fox could put her pain so deep inside that she would forget about it. She could obliterate her emotions with alcohol and drugs, forget the pain and just stay numb. She had learnt the only way to defend herself is to be cold, calculating and always be the top dog. She had the looks, she had the brains and she let that get the better of her. Blake had taught her to harness her inner bitch, to become what other people feared and so she had. When her contact with Daisy ran dry, when her friends were gone and all she had left was Blake it was easy to forget. 

The old Dakota, the girl with the beautiful smile and endless hugs, was gone. It was as if she literally shed herself, a pile of skin and her soul inked on the floor. This new Dakota, the calculating Dakota Fox was bitter and twisted. She was adorned in thorns and razor sharp points, almost daring Dakota to untangle her. Sometimes Dakota would try and shed her new skin, but her hands would cut and skin would tear on the razor wire. Her mind would taunt her, you always fail, always.  

So Dakota grew accustomed to her new persona, a careless, carefree Dakota with nothing and no one. 

Then she met Harry Styles and her life swiftly became a roller coaster. 

Then she ruined everything. 

Then she found solace and absolution. 

Then she met Niall and he glued her heart together, one careful piece at a time.

Then the old Dakota, the loving girl with the endless hugs who was brimming with hope began to come back.

Then she fell hopelessly in love with Niall Horan… and it terrified her. 

Pain comes in waves, stages that slowly creep up her skin like water on the shoreline. Lapping closer and closer with every wave, she learnt to ride the wave and disappear in addiction. She learnt that love came at a price and weakness was never an option. For being weak, is giving the world a green light to devour you alive. So when she sucked in a long breath and steadied her heart, took the steps that used to come like second nature. Dakota was surprised how hard it was to numb herself entirely.