You're My Only Direction

Chapter Twenty-Nine

             I'm sorry that this chapter is so short after such a long break...but ehh what can ya do, right? I promise the next chapter - which is the last by the way - will be much longer than this one. Alright enjoy and don't forget to comment, vote, share with your friends and all that jazz! :)

             Louis’ POV

            It feels like we’ve been here for days, but I know it’s only been a few hours. The suspense is killing me! It’s like there’s this hole that started at my heart and now it’s swallowing up my entire being. I can’t take this blasted waiting!

            Shouldn’t the surgery be done by now? Does it usually take this long? Why haven’t they said anything to us? What the fuck is going on in there?

            “Louis,” Niall croaked, brushing his fingers against my hand. I glanced over at him and I realized that was I standing up - how did that happen? - with my fists clenched so tightly that blood was pooling around my fingernails. My chest was heaving with every breath.

            “Louis, sit down,” Niall murmured, gently tugging at my wrist.

            “No,” I growled, tearing my wrist from his grasp. “I’m tired of just sitting around!”

            “Louis, there’s nothing you can do,” Liam insisted gently.

            “No, there must be something!” I exclaimed, throwing my arms up in exasperation. “There must be something I can do!”

            I spun on my heel and stormed from the lobby, fuming. Why can’t Liam understand what I’m feeling? Can’t he be sympathetic? What if it was Niall instead of Harry? How would he feel then?

            God, Harry, what is happening?! I collapsed against the wall, pressing my face into the cold, white brick as I beat my fist against the wall, sobs quietly escaping my throat.

Someone just tell me something, anything, please!

It’s like no one has any compassion; can’t they see that Harry is my everything? Why can’t they just understand? How can they be so inconsiderate as to leave me in the dark like this?

Harry, you’ve got to be O.K. please just be O.K. You know how much I believe in you, you’ve got to pull through this. I pressed my back into the wall and slid down to the floor.

How did it get like this? It’s all my fault. Oh, it’s all my fault. I never should’ve taken you away from the hospital. I should’ve forced you to go to chemo instead of the concert. I should’ve never let you walk out on me. I should’ve grabbed your hand and made you stay with me. I should’ve never let you go. There were so many mistakes; there were so many things I could’ve done.

Everyone has been saying that I saved you…that I fixed you…but the only reason that you were broken was because of me, because I was too afraid to tell you how I felt. Harry, I didn’t save you; you saved me. You made me stronger, strong enough to be myself. Strong enough to love you. Strong enough to be someone who deserved your love.

But how have I repaid you? I’ve only let you down at every opportunity. I never meant to…I guess I wasn’t as strong as I thought…I’m still not as strong as I wish I could be.

Harry, I need you. You can’t leave me, because without you…I’ve got nothing. Without you…all my strength disappears. Harry, you’ve got so much life left to live, so you’ve got to pull through this and live it. You’ve got to pull through this and live it with me, because god knows I don’t want to live it without you.

A doctor strode down the hall at a brisk pace. My heart stopped; perhaps he has news about Harry! I watched him expectantly, but he just continued on without sparing me a second glance.

God damn it. Harry, how are you?! Harry, what can I do to help you?

Then a thought crossed my mind…who knew if it would work, but I folded my hands nevertheless.

Err…umm…hullo there…God…umm I don’t even know if you exist, and I don’t know if you’ll listen to me if I don’t have complete faith…but I really need someone to talk to. Please, please, PLEASE, let Harry pull through this. I swear I’ll do anything, just name it, but please let him live. Please. He’s got the most beautiful soul; he’s the most gentle, wonderful, and caring human being that I’ve ever met. You can’t take him away. The world needs more people like him. I need him.

I know this is a selfish request…but I…I can’t even imagine what life would be like without him… He’s just…he’s the love of my life… And I know that everyone has their time, but…I can’t believe it’s his already…I just can’t believe that… I won’t believe that. You can’t take him away, you just can’t! It just wouldn’t be right.

Please, give him more time. I know you’ve spared him once, and I promise I’m not taking that for granted! But…he’s had it so rough…Doesn’t he deserve to live? Doesn’t he deserve a shot at happiness? He’s been in the dark for so long…can’t he just have a chance for the light? I know that if he makes it through this that things will be better. They have to get better. The only reason that things ever got bad were because the cancer…and because I was a fool… Please don’t punish him for my mistakes. I could’ve saved him, but I messed it up. I always mess it up…

Please, give me one chance to make things right. Please just…don’t take him yet. I’m begging you. I will do anything that you want. You can take anything that you want from me. Take my voice. Take my health. Have another car hit me! Take my life; I don’t care what happens to me as long as he lives. Please, this is the one and only request I will ever make in my life. Please don’t do this to me. Please don’t do this to him.

I’ve heard that you’re merciful and good, so please have mercy on him. Please let him live.

Please…

“Louis Tomlinson?” A deep voice muttered.

I snapped my head up to look at him. It was a male nurse, clad in surgical gloves and a paper mask over his mouth. “…Yes…?” I croaked, throat thick from tears.

“I think you ought to come with me…” He muttered uncomfortably.

I couldn’t respond. I dragged myself up off the ground without bothering to brush myself off. I wiped my eyes as I looked at the nurse expectantly, waiting for him to lead the way. He glanced back at me with sympathetic eyes before turning around and strolling down the hall.

I gave one last plea as I followed the nurse.

Please let him be okay, I’ll do anything. I swear it.