After lunch, I have Micheal drop me off at home.
"Hey Evan"
Micheal says before I left the car I turn to look at him
"Yea?"
"Evan just go relax don't think about it and don't blame yourself."
I just nod and toss him the bag of peas
"Call you later?" Micheal asked
"Yea sure, um bye"
I mutter and wave him off. I walk in my house and toss myself into the couch exhausted I just lay there for a while numb. Looking at my phone I notice only a single missed text from jared
Feel_the_Cronch:We're coming over later
I read wait. We? Does he mean Connor and him? My heart beats a little faster I don't really want to see Connor right now... I decided to go take a shower and i blast musicals while I get in and sing along dramatically. When I get out I take a look in the mirror I felt like I looked like a tropical bird. I sigh and hang my head, I still feel like it was my fault last night. I can't help it it's like a nagging in the back of my head a constant muttering telling me
It's your fault
You could've done something
If you weren't so stupid.
I shake my head and look back into the mirror
"I hate you Hansen!"
Connor words echos in my head again. Maybe he is right, I mean why wouldn't he hate me? I'm just a burden. I throw on some random clothes and decided to text Jared
The_lorax: I won't be home later, I'm going out with my mom
I lie though text...I don't like lieing
A couple minutes later Jared texts back
Feel_the_Cronch: alright then tomorrow I guess...
The_lorax: okay
I reply at least it's summer break. Instead I go and get an Ice pack and go lay in my bed. I just lay there for hours I felt darined it.
"Evvy?"
I hear my mom call I don't even look over to her.
"Honey did you eat today?"
She asks coming into the room
"....yea"
I lie hiding under my covers but to my dismay she pulls the covers back and gasp when she sees my face instantly grabbing, inspecting it.
"Evan when and how did this happen?!"
I get tears in my eyes "it's my fault, I'm fine, I deserve it"
She rubs my hair in a smoothing way but it doesn't help me.
"Evvy whatever happened wasn't your fault please don't blame yourself"
"You don't even know what happened" I mutter she sighs and just holds me.
"M-mom you love me right?"
I ask pitifully. She kissed the top of my head
"Of course i will always love you"
She's your mom she has to love you
Or
She at least has to say it.
Your weak
My thoughts become muddy and tangled.
"Evan who hit you?"
She asks after a while I don't answer her. I can tell she wants an answer but doesn't want to push me. She looks at her watch
"Oh I have to go class is starting soon, Evan I'll be home soon please eat something" she says and gives my head a kiss and then leaves.
I don't move from my spot my thoughts shouting at me I felt trapped,lost.
Loser
Nerd
Waste of space
Kill yourself
Your just a burden
Nobody likes you or even wants you around.
People only feel bad for you they don't actually like you.
My head screams i curl into a ball under my covers and that's where I stay for who knows how long.
Before I know it had already been three days of me laying in bed barley getting out even for my basic needs. I just felt so numb, my phone would go off once in a while but I didn't brother to check it, what's the point? Not only did Connor words echos in my mind I just thought about all the bad things and will it ever get better?
I feel so alone
I basically have no friends
My mom is always busy
My dad didn't even want me
People think I'm a loser.
What's the point of it all?
I look over to my nightstand and gulp, I just stare at it for a second.
If I disappear
Would everyone be happy?
I wouldn't be a burden anymore
No one would have to deal with me.
They would be happy.
I'm just a mess and a whole bunch of broken parts. Sitting up I reach over and grab a piece of paper and pen from my nightstand drawer.
Dear everyone,
I'm sorry I know what I'm doing is worng and another problem on you guys, but I just can't it's...I don't know it's like the walls of my brain is all flacky and I just feel numb. It would be better if I was just gone everyone would be happier without me,
Love you all
~evan Hansen.
I put on my sneakers and go to the bathroom I then grab my prescription bottle and another one. I head back to my room and make my bed making my room as neat as possible. I grab my note and head downstairs I throw it on the coffee table, my phone buzzes again.
I ignore it.
Going into the chilly air I get my back and pedal as fast as I can to the park when I get there it was getting close to dusk. I make my way towards the middle where there were a whole bunch of trees I sigh and sit down against one.
Trees
They were always there for me and they will be there for me in the end too. I open the first pill bottle and pour as many as I can into my hand and drown them as quickly as I can. I gag at the taste but shudder it off and continue to take the pills til both bottles were empty. I lay my head back and let myself drift off to sleep.
Author note
None of the stuff that happened was Evan fault, he shouldn't have been blaming hiself but it was his anxiety and depression making him feel like it was but it really wasn't even fault he shouldn't have blamed hiself..to be continue
