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19 - Freud and Me

Best Song Ever - One Direction

19 - Freud and Me

I couldn't resist :)

Word count: 2071

"Don't go through life, grow through life." 

- Eric Butterworth

***

Humans are selfish beings. We all desire things and whilst some may not admit it, may ignore it, we all want certain things to go our way. Sometimes we do things that we know will hurt other people because it will make us feel better.

Freud, the psychologist who came up with the psychodynamic theory suggested that our personality is structured into three parts:  the ego, superego and the id. He said that the superego was our moral reality, it represents our moral standards, the part of us that wants to do the right thing. The id is the selfish part of us, the one that pursues desires. These are both unconscious, making us unaware of it. The ego is the balance of both of these, it compromises the two.

So I am wondering what on earth the compromise was when I planted my lips on Jason's. All I felt was selfishness when I did it - and guilt.

I don't like Jason; I know he doesn't like me. I did it because I wanted to make Callum jealous despite the fact that I know I will never date him. Honestly, I don't think I want to.

Students gasp in shock around us, murmuring about what they are witnessing. I try to drown them out and focus on Jason's soft lips. Admittedly, he is one hell of a kisser but I don't feel what I want - the butterflies in my stomach. My head isn't being blown away by it, my heart isn't racing.

I feel guilty. I guess I can blame my superego for that.

Unlatching myself from Jason, I give him my best, believable smile. His blue eyes assess mine, trying to figure out whether I'm okay or not. I don't know what on earth crossed my head two minutes ago when I wanted to kiss him and when I did but I now regret it. '

I can't even muster up the courage to stare at Callum, who I believe feels something for me. I've noticed it since I got here, the subtle looks, the longing. I just didn't want to read into it. However, there is that small part that is desperate to know if he's jealous of Jason or not. 

Hundreds of eyes are on us, snapping pictures of what just occurred. I bet I will get home and find Twitter completely blown up with theories of what happened. Now I'm certain the press will be here by tomorrow, firing questions at me.

I really didn't think this through.

Speedily, Alan comes over to me and ushers me into the car, wordlessly. His face is expressionless but I think I see a hint of disappointment in his eyes. My heart deflates at the fact that I made people feel ashamed by me. My intention was to get a reaction out of Callum. But now that I've done it, I can't even gather the courage to look at him. 

Am I a horrible person? We all do horrible things but does that mean everyone is a horrible person? What defines someone as a horrible person? What categorizes one?

Is hurting someone you care about to get a reaction out of them one? Or is it more serious like physically hurting someone?

Jason follows me and gets in as well, slamming the door shut. I have never felt more relieved that the windows are tinted so you can't see into the car. Alan revs the engine and reverses out of the parking space he just pulled into. Just before we leave, I catch a glimpse at Callum and his dejected expression. The guilt washes me up like a strong current, hauling my stupid ass into the sea to never be seen again. Callum glances at our car, he glares at it with such hatred. And then he clenches his jaw and storms off to his car.