Almost There

- 31 -

"I'm very glad you're happy, Tess." Dr. Mark smiled. Although he was a warm man, he was also reserved; he didn't often laugh or smile, but when he did, it was a genuine expression that reached his eyes, and it was impossible not to smile back.

"Thanks, Dr. Mark. It's just so nice to be with him. It's nice to feel normal."

It was a Friday afternoon, the week before Thanksgiving. Tess and Dr. Mark were halfway into their Skype session, and she had been telling him all about the past several weeks she'd spent as Isaac's girlfriend: how they went out at least once every couple of weeks to see a movie or have dinner together, how they texted every night saw each other regularly at school. Tess was deliriously happy.

"And this Miguel fellow—are you still working with him?"

"Oh, yes. I can't believe I never had an English tutor before."

"So how are you feeling about your coursework these days? It's been a while since we specifically discussed school; I recall that toward the beginning of the year, you thought it would be a challenge."

"Calc isn't bad, and the other classes aren't easy, but I can get through them. I think I'd like Chemistry if I weren't a little overwhelmed with everything else, but the amount of homework makes it hard to enjoy. If I didn't have a tutor, I think I'd be failing both of my English classes—but as it stands, I'm pulling Bs in both of them." Tess leaned forward, clapping her hands together. "I know it's no A+, but I'm thrilled, and so is my mom."

"That's great, Tess. What an accomplishment. Have you been having any symptoms of anxiety?"

Tess sat back in her chair. "Once in a while I still have a stomach ache about the school stuff or something else. I had a test last week and noticed some heart flutters, but I got through it. I haven't had a panic attack since that one in August. I think I'm doing really well."

Dr. Mark nodded and made a note on his pad which was, as usual, just off screen. "I did have a question for you," he said. "Do you recall our session not long after that day, when you mentioned your friend Jacqui's brother?"

"Yeah."

"Have you thought at all about how you feel knowing that you aren't alone, Tess? That you aren't the only person living with anxiety?"

Tess nodded. "I actually have. I know I'm not alone—I mean, it's just logical to know that there are other people in the world who have anxiety. Still, it's not something we talk about at school or among friends very much, you know? And not everyone takes this stuff seriously. Before...before everything happened, I don't even know if I would have. I think knowing that Jacqui's little brother has some of the same issues and coping strategies that I do...It makes it easier to believe I'm not alone."

***

"You're in a good mood today," said Miguel that Sunday as they sat down to the evening's homework: a worksheet on the most recent short story Tess had read for Literature. "Was that you humming on your way down the stairs?"

Tess blushed—had he really heard her all the way from the kitchen? "Maybe."

He smiled, watching her flip through her literature text book. "Don't be embarrassed. I'm just saying, it was a happy hum."

"Well, as you know, I'm doing pretty well in my English classes, which is the opposite of what I expected, thanks to you. Plus, things are going really well with Isaac," she explained.

Miguel did not directly ask about Isaac or Tess's friends—he tended to avoid any subjects that might have been misconstrued as unprofessional, Tess had noticed—but given how often they saw one another, it had been impossible to avoid learning a little about one another's personal lives. Miguel knew about Isaac, Jacqui, and Julia, for example, and he'd talked quite a bit with both of Tess's parents. Tess, for her part, knew Miguel didn't have a girlfriend; she'd heard some stories about Miguel's mother and the father he had lost; she knew his best friend's name was Todd, and that he was in the Air Force; and she knew he hadn't chosen a major yet, but was considering going into education.

"Those are good reasons to be happy. Not that you need a reason," Miguel replied.

Tess was struck by the thought that she didn't need a reason to be happy. Taken off guard, she looked at Miguel with a frown.

"What?" He reached for a pen, giving her a curious look.

"Do you believe that?"

"Believe what—that you don't have to have a reason to be happy?"

"Yeah."

He laughed. "Of course I believe it. I mean, obviously there's usually a reason, but don't you ever feel happy just because? Some days are just good days. Nothing wrong with that. Why...don't you agree?"

"I don't know." Tess hesitated. "Sometimes I feel guilty being happy, Miguel."

"Really?" He turned slightly in his chair, giving her his full attention. "Why, Tess?"

"Well..." She wasn't sure quite how to put it. "Sometimes I think that I can't be happy because Julia's gone. I think about the things I enjoy that she'll never experience again, or never at all, and it breaks my heart. And then...if I'm happy, if I'm really happy, that means I'm not missing her. Doesn't it?"

"Tess." Miguel gave her an empathetic smile. "I think I know what you mean. And it's normal to feel that way, especially now. It hasn't even been a year since you lost your sister. You're still getting used to living life without her."

"But can I ever really get used to it? And is it right to?"

"Of course it's right to. I used to wonder how I could live without my dad. Laughing, enjoying things he liked, being happy in a world without him...It didn't feel right. But then I realized something: I was going through the same thing millions of people have gone through before me. It's the human condition. You and I are just two people in a long line of grievers, Tess. All of our ancestors since the beginning of the world have learned to cope with loss. Human beings lose their parents, their siblings, their children, their friends. Grief is a natural part of life—and so is healing. There is nothing wrong with moving along the journey, and it doesn't mean you love your sister any less, or that you miss her any less."

Tess gave him a crooked smile. "You sound like Dr. Mark," she said.

"Who's that?"

Tess's stomach dropped; she realized she'd mentioned her therapist without intending to. She hadn't told anyone about him, not even Jacqui and especially not Isaac. She wasn't ashamed of Dr. Mark, but she was ashamed of her need for him, and she didn't want people at school to think she was sick or crazy. She blinked at Miguel, caught in a moment of indecision, but she saw no way out of confessing. "He's my therapist," she said.

"Oh. Well, you should tell him what you told me, if you haven't already. I'd bet you he's got words of wisdom for you about how you're feeling, Tess, but I don't think he'd disagree that it's not bad to be happy." Miguel smiled at her warmly. "Now, I'll stop prying into your personal life. You really have to tell me to shut up when I'm getting too nosy."

"You're not nosy," Tess said. She was so grateful and relieved by his nonchalant manner about her therapy that she laughed. "You have to tell me to shut up when I'm talking your ear off about dumb stuff."

"Hey, now." He raised his eyebrows. "This stuff isn't dumb. I don't think so, and I sure hope you don't, either."

She lowered her gaze shyly. "Thanks, Miguel. But really...I shouldn't bug you with it. I wanted to ask you about the second question on this worksheet. I took a stab at it, but I feel like I'm not really answering the second part..."