Almost There

- 10 -

A hand came to rest on Tess's shoulder. Jacqui's voice broke through the fog: "Tess, let's go to the bathroom."

Trying to breathe took all of Tess's attention. She allowed Jacqui to take her arm and lead her down the hall to the women's restroom. Jacqui shouldered her way in, pulling Tess after her.

Inside was a girl leaning over the sink, smoothing her hair as she looked into the mirror. She straightened as Tess and Jacqui walked in. "Hey," she said by way of greeting. Heading toward the door, she gave Tess a curious look, and then she slipped out into the hallway.

Alone in the bathroom except for Jacqui, who obviously knew that something was wrong, Tess leaned over, resting her hands on her knees, and gasped desperately for air. She could not keep herself from crying now; tears streamed down her cheeks, and she felt clammy and cold.

"Tess? Is it asthma? Do you have an inhaler?" Jacqui's voice was measured, but tense.

Tess shook her head. A sob racked her shoulders. The feeling that she could not catch her breath had escalated into a certainty that she would choke. She was going to suffocate on her own irrational fear.

"All right, girl. This is going to pass. You're overwhelmed right now, but you're safe. You're going to be okay. Let's just sit down." Jacqui took Tess's arm again and guided her away from the sinks toward a stretch of bare wall.

Tess sank back against the wall and slid down to sit on the cold tile floor. "I'm s-sorry," she said.

"Hey, what do you have to be sorry about? You're having a moment. This is not your fault. Look at me, Tess."

Blinking away her tears, Tess met Jacqui's gaze.

"Try to relax your shoulders and just breathe in. Slowly. One...two...three...four. Let it out. Breathe again, real slow. You're just having trouble catching your breath, but you're going to be okay."

Tess breathed. For a minute, for two, she just breathed, drawing the breaths in for four seconds and letting them out. Measuring her breaths made her feel like she had regained some control of the situation. Her psychiatrist had recommended this trick, among others, like mindfulness: noticing the things around her. She looked down at the tiles of the bathroom floor—light gray with burgundy and gold specks. One. Two. Three. Four. She noticed the tarnished pipes under the sink, some of them wet with condensation. One. Two. Three. Four. She realized, as her panicked gasping subsided into slow, measured breaths, that Jacqui was still holding her arm. At some point, Tess had seized hold of Jacqui's wrist. She relaxed her grasp; for an instant, her fingertips left pale marks on Jacqui's dark skin.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize," she said, horrified.

Jacqui grinned. "I think you're overestimating your strength. I'll live."

"Jacqui, how—?"

"My baby brother has anxiety. The way you were breathing, I thought if it wasn't asthma, it was...you know."

"A panic attack."

Jacqui gave Tess a soft smile. "Let's stay here for a minute."

Tess nodded. She folded her arms around her knees, wiping her damp cheek on her sleeve. Now that she could breathe again, she felt cold and feverish. "It's so stupid."

"Why do you say that, Tess?"

Giving Jacqui a confused look, Tess said, "What do you mean? I just cried like a baby and almost choked on nothing over some lame English assignment that you could do in your sleep." She stopped, instantly regretting the harshness of her words. "That came out wrong. I didn't mean it like that."

"Tess, it isn't stupid. You're stressed. It doesn't matter if you're being chased by a serial killer or just wondering how the heck you're gonna get all your homework done, your body's under stress. It can't tell the difference. And people cope in different ways. Some people..." She trailed off.

"Have an anxiety disorder," Tess finished for her.

She knew Jacqui was trying to be kind. No one wanted to tell a friend they had a "disorder," or a "problem," and for all Jacqui knew, Tess had not been diagnosed. But it was true; Tess had struggled with anxiety and post-traumatic stress ever since the accident. She still connected with her counselor from Minnesota over Skype at least once a month now that she'd moved away—she really liked Dr. Mark—but she should have anticipated that the stress of school would be a new challenge to overcome. "Jacqui, it's just the second day of school. I really don't know how I'm going to do this."

"Listen, Tess. I'm hard on myself sometimes. And it seems like you might be, too."

Tess knit her brow. "For some things, I guess."

"I'll tell you what my mom told me a long time ago when I cried about a stupid B+ on a test. One day, these things are gonna be so far behind us we'll remember them as a blur. High school is just a tiny portion of our lives. You're more than these classes, more than your grades. Sure, it's important if you want to go to college and get scholarships and stuff like that, but the world is not gonna end if you can't do everything perfectly."

"I've had to content myself with less-than-perfect for a while," Tess said. "I think I'm ready to be average. But, Jacqui, what if I just can't do it? What if I fail? What if—"

"Let's not talk about what if," Jacqui said. In that moment, she reminded Tess of her father, although Robert and Jacqui could not have been more different. "Let's talk about what you have to do today. Today, you have to write a short research proposal, and do some other assignments. You have to eat supper, and you have to try to get enough sleep. That's it. I know it's impossible, but try not to think too hard about tomorrow. Sometimes, today's all you can focus on. There ain't nothing wrong with that."

Tess drew a deep breath. "Jacqui?"

"What?"

"You didn't have to do this. You hardly know me. You're...You're a really good friend."

Jacqui wrinkled her nose. She got to her feet, swept her braids out of her face, and reached out a hand to help Tess up.

Tess accepted it, persisting. "I mean it. One of my...friends back home...she saw me have a panic attack once. And she just got irritated and told me to 'stop being so dramatic.'"

Jacqui raised her eyebrows. "Well, I s'pose not everyone understands it—not saying that I do, but I've seen my brother go through this stuff and it's nothing you can just turn off, right? You shouldn't have to go through it alone."

Tess gave Jacqui a hug. She felt like crying again, for an altogether different reason. What she had done to deserve meeting Jacqui, she didn't know.

Returning her hug, Jacqui murmured, "You ready to go back?"

"Yeah." Tess led the way out of the bathroom. "I hope you don't get in trouble with Ms. Keene for being out of class."

"I'll tell her I had indigestion," Jacqui quipped. "That should dampen her curiosity."

Laughing, the girls returned to the library. Tess did not feel great, but maybe, just maybe, she'd be okay.