Ashes to Ashes (BDTW #3)

Chapter 22

By the time Jackson and I barged through the door, almost everybody had left. The only people remaining were Zeke and Christina, who both jumped out of their seats along with my brother and his girlfriend at the sight of me.
"What the fuck?" was the first thing Tobias said as Jackson hurried to set me on a chair. My arm was on fire, the blood seeping now through the sweatshirt I wore. I didn't know what state my mouth was in, but I was still grinning.
"You should see the other guy," I said. Tris was pulling my hair out of the way and wiping a kitchen cloth over my mouth to remove the blood. The rag came back red and I looked away. It smelled metallic, a scent I'd been accustomed to over the years.
Jackson stormed back down the stairs, and through my delirium, I hadn't seen him leave. Tobias was asking something but I couldn't quite focus.
As nimbly as he could, Jackson peeled back my sweater to reveal red, swollen blood covered skin. There was one long slit down my arm still leaking blood.
I wondered what it looked like the first time around.
Tris wiped away the blood once again, leaving a jagged cut highlighted by bright red. Jackson cut off a piece of gauze and tied it tightly around the top of my wrist, which hurt from the uncomfortable pressure, then unrolled the gauze and slowly began wrapping my wrist.
My mind was still hazy, but I could finally focus on my brother's face which was now right in front of me.
"It was Marcus," I told him, hissing as the gauze brushed an extra sensitive are where the blade had gone deeper.
"Why would you go talk to him?" My brother asked incredulously. "Why would you put yourself in that situation?"
"I didn't!" I protested, eyes wide at the absurdity. "I went to Abnegation Headquarters to take a look inside and he was there."
"And you didn't leave?"
"Would you have left?" I replied pointedly, and at that, he looked away, admitting defeat.
"I'm going to fucking kill him," he said, rising up from his crouched position to the front door.
"Tobias, stop!" I yelled, and Tris held him back by the arm just as his fist wrapped around the doorknob.
"Seriously man, there's not much else you can do to the guy," Jackson added, still completely focused on his work. "When we left, he was knocked out pretty cold."
Tobias sighed and turned, running a hand over his face, then turned to me. "That bad?"
"Yup."
A flash of a small grin, then, "Good."
Jackson finally tied of the end, and I looked down to see everything cleaned and wrapped, with only dots of red speckled here and there.
"Thank," I mumbled, and he nodded pressing a quick kiss to my neck, before standing and walking over to the kitch.
Bass eyed the back of Jackson's head intently, then shook his head, heading to the front door to show Zeke and Christina out, probably finalizing some plans for tomorrow. Tris headed up to her room, wishing me a quick goodnight. Once the guests left, Bass came back to my side where I sat, still a little woozy, and crouched down beside me.
"Are you sure you're fine?"
I puffed out a breath. "Bass, at this point, there's nothing much that bothers me anymore. This was just another day in the life."
"Yeah, I know," he murmured and looked away. "You'll be okay here tomorrow? Turns out Tris is staying as well, so you'll have some people to keep me company."
I pursed my lips, then nodded. "Don't worry about me. Go do what needs to be done, okay? And go get some sleep. It's getting late."
He nodded, then gave my right hand a quick squeeze. He stood, and before heading up the stairs, my brother and Jackson held each other's gaze for a few tension filled moments, before Tobias shook his head and strode up the stairs.
Once I heard the door shut, and Jackson was beside me setting a plate of bread, eggs and few vegetables before me, I eyed him out of the corner of my eye.
"What kind of beef is going on between you and my brother?" I wondered aloud quietly, and Jackson sighed, running a tired hand over his face.
"It's nothing," he huffed, crossing his arms. I rolled my eyes, yet downed my food quickly, because if I took my time then the nausea would set in quicker and my meal would be all over the table.
I wandered up to the bathroom as Jackson cleaned up a few things and shut all the lights, then waited in bed, Caleb Prior's bed, which would've seemed weird if I gave a shit about anything, but instead found the mattress comfortable, and felt myself sinking into it. A few minutes later, Jackson padded quietly into the room, turning the lights to dim and peeling his shirt off before slipping into the sheets beside me, clad only in loose shorts. I stared up at the ceiling, breathing evenly, feeling no desire to sleep.
I rolled over on to my side and murmured, "Can we talk?"
He opened one eye to spot me from the side, and mumbled, "Why?"
"Because I like talking to you. Because even though today was kind of shitty I really enjoyed this afternoon."
He smiled, remembering this afternoon's events, and said, "It was a very good shower."
"Oh, definitely. Never felt so clean." He chuckled at that.
Then I asked, "How many girls were there? While we broke up?"
His face fell, and he stared at me pointedly. "Cath, I'm not answering that."
"Jackson, c'mon," I hedged. "I don't blame you for it. I was so stupid for breaking up with you. And for some reason this afternoon just made me think about it, and I just need to know."
He sighed. "I was with two girls. They were old hook-ups of mine that I met up with during training. I'm not proud of that, okay. It was really just rebounding. You really broke my heart, Cath."
"I know," I looked down at my hands in shame. "I think it was one of the most immature things I've done. I was under so much pressure and stress I just freaked out."
"I get that," he said quietly. "I'll never be able to imagine everything you've been through. What you're going through now."
I shrugged.
"What was it like? In Erudite?" he asked tentatively. "I know you may not want to answer, but I want to try to understand."
I let out a long breath through my nose, trying to piece the puzzle together. I didn't even know where to begin.
"It was the same as last time, except the simulations were more... dream-like. When you were there with me the first time, the simulation just flat out didn't take effect. But this time I would see things and people, but I was totally aware, from start to finish. I knew as soon as I saw those things that I was seeing them in a simulation. That's what stumped her and pushed her harder and harder to try to break down what was going on with my brain.
"And it wasn't like I was kept in the dark. She told me what was happening step by step. They never physically hurt me, except with the neck brace or the time I attacked Jeanine, but sometimes the simulations were terrifying. Then Eric..."
My voice went rough and dry, and I couldn't stop the wetness in my eyes. This time, it wasn't hopelessness, it wasn't hatred toward him or myself, but simple, plain sadness and pain.
Jackson reached over and pulled me toward him, and I gripped his chest, burying my face into his neck and sobbing. He wrapped his arms tightly against me, softly brushing my hair with one hand.
"It's okay," he whispered. "Just cry it all out."
I think he was the first person to ever encourage my crying, and it just made me concretely believe that Jackson was the person for me. He was my person.
After a while, it calmed down, and I pulled back so I could see his face, which was filled with concern and sadness. Not pity, no, but almost as though he could feel my pain as well.
"It was awful, Jackson. I wasn't awake while it happened, but just thinking of it, just knowing that he did what he did," it made me cringe even thinking about it, "and knowing that that would be my first time, and he just took it away from me..." I shook my head and a tremor ran through me, the thought reverberating through my bones. "When I woke up and he was gone, and I was alone, it was like being dead already. Like my body wasn't mine anymore; that I was already gone. There was blood and bruises and a lot of pain and so, so much humiliation." More tears squeezed out of the corners of my eyes.