You Raise Me Up (Artemi Panarin)

13| My Everything

Artemi

"Dear Artemi,

I've been listening to that song you played for me the other day, a lot actually. Its been on repeat and I still get chills every time I listen to it. It's quite possibly the most beautiful song I have ever heard. His voice is so smooth and the words are so deep. I get emotional just thinking about that song.

I've had a lot of time to think lately with the doctors not knowing what's going on. Most days I sleep when I'm not up talking to you or sit in the bath tub. I'm not going to lie, it's been hard. I feel sick, I look sick, but I still won't admit that I'm sick. I sit here and give advice to other people but I can't seem to help myself. I'm stuck between what is happening and what I want to happen. They're almost polar opposites in their own rights.

Because all I want is you, Artemi. And I know I have you, but I want more. I want to go to Russia and see where you grew up. I want to go home and walk around the farm for a little without possibly dying. I want to one day have children and show them how great life can be. But I'm not even sure how great life can be.

The only great thing about my life right now is you. If we're being completely honest, and we always are, there's nothing I wish for more than to be in your arms. To lay there without a worry in the world. To feel you hold me close and for you to tell me you're never going to let me go.

I have to tell you, I'm scared. And I'm not scared of dying for I've been past that for years now and I'm not scared of getting sick. But finally, I have something that I could lose. And I don't want to let you go, I don't know how I would do it. But I fear that choice won't be up to me.

I didn't write this letter to make you sad. It's just way easier for me to express myself this way and you're the only person I've ever confided in. That's why you're more than a boyfriend to me, if I'm your girl then you're my everything. I just wanted to say thank you for always being kind hearted and accepting of my issues. I hope it's all worth it for you, because it means the world to me.

Much Love,
Valerie."

I set the note to the side and run my fingers through my hair. It's been a while since I last saw her. I just got back from a trip and she's been sick recently so I've been trying to keep my distance, but it's so hard. She needs someone and she's not allowed to have anyone there for her.

I look at the gloves and masks I bought and sigh. I know she hated when I wore these things around her, for whatever reason. But she needed someone and I was that someone. So I decide that even if she doesn't like it, I'm going to see her and I will do whatever it takes to do so.

I stop looking at the gloves and mask and find some balls to put them on. I pull on a hoodie and a pair of sweats before making sure all my exposed skin that would transfer the germs was covered. I make sure the gloves were on tight and that the mask was covering my mouth properly.

I walk over to Valerie's door and knock a few times. She opens it up and I feel a breeze from how cold she keeps her apartment hit me. Infections doesn't spread so well if it's cool so she keeps her place cold. That's also why she was so high up, since the air quality was far better up here than down there with everything else. But as soon as she smiles up at me I get the cold goes away and this warm feeling spreads around inside me so everything was okay again.

"What is this" she asks looking me over.

"I wanted to hold you" I claim and she laughs.

"Well in that case come on in" she insists.

I get inside and she closes the door behind me. I grab her hand and pull her to the couch. It's not the same with the gloves but it still feels pretty great to have her hand in my glove covered one. After I drag her over to the couch I lay down and pull her on top of me. She rests her head on my chest as her body fits with mine like a puzzle piece. Her arms wrap around me tight as she immediately relaxes into me. I softly run my covered fingers through her hair as her fingers get tangled in my shirt. I pull a blanket over us and for a moment everything seemed so perfect. We were cuddled up in the couch surrounded by nothing but each other. No distractions or expectations, just two kids who just wanted to spend some forbidden time together.

"How come you didn't let met wear the gloves and the mask when we first started dating" I wonder.

"It makes me feel like a freak" she admits. "I always felt inhuman when people wore that's tuff around me. Like they didn't really want to be around me but they had to so they wore that. It's like they saw me as a contagious disease and was afraid to be near me. I know it's just to protect me but it never feels like that.

Plus I didn't want the only time that I saw you in person be possible but I only if couldn't see your smile. It's one of my favorite things about you, you look so incredibly good when you smile and it's a shame when I can't see it. And I want to feel your skin on mine, you're always so warm when I'm always so cold" she explains.

"I only do this to protect you" I insist.

"I don't want your protection Artemi. I want your heart and your soul" she claims.

"You have those and so much more. But there's no denying that includes my protection" I insist.

"Sometimes I don't want to be protected. Sometimes I just want to be wanted, you know" she asks.

"Everything about me wants everything about you. You have to know that" I argue.

"Of course I do" I assure her.