Dear Dawson

Dear Dawson-2

April 30,

Dear Dawson, you spent the night at my house last night, and it was fun.

I couldn't keep my eyes off of you, though, which made it hard to concentrate on anything you talked about. You always did love to talk.

You told me a lot of interesting things, but what caught my attention most was when you told me about Amanda Collin. You said that she'd started talking to you a lot more for some reason and sat with you in Math now. I smile and simply replied, "That's good," but I didn't really think it was.

I was jealous of her.

How come you noticed Amanda Collin and not me when I looked at you like 'that?' How come you spoke so much of her all the time? Why wasn't I good enough for you? Did you really never notice the way I stared?

I know you like her the same way I like you. I knew from the moment you first said her name. The look in your lovable, silver eyes said it all. Jealousy continued to grow in me as you spoke more about her. You spoke of how outgoing she was and bubbly, how she loved to read and write, how she wasn't afraid of anything. You described her as 'perfect,' and although I tried my best to be happy for you, I couldn't be- not when I felt like I was being replaced. I wasn't truly, though, because you never talked about me like that. I just didn't show it, but really, I was growing to hate the thought of her.

It was painful for me whenever she'd come around. You'd laugh and talk with her, but I felt completely ignored. Maybe I was.

It felt like I was just watching a movie- you guys were buddied up and I was just there in the sidelines, an extra.

"I'm actually gonna go practice with a couple girls from the team," I'd make up an excuse to leave, "so I guess I'll see you later, Dawson, bye." Then, l would hurriedly run off, and you wouldn't chase after me. You'd just wave your hand hurriedly to me, telling me to "have fun," and I would feel stupid for even liking you at all.

It's obvious you do not feel the same way. I don't know why I have to be so stupid about it.

Why are you so hard to get over? Why can't you just be one of those one month crushes or even one year? Why did I have to fall in love with someone who only thinks of me as a friend?

So, I ran straight to the girls locker room and cried for what seemed like hours. I felt like a wimp. How could I possibly be crying over my best friend? It was my fault I am even in this mess, it all is! It's not your fault I fell in love with you, I know that!

It doesn't change the simple fact that it hurts like heck, though, that the fact that you don't love me back is slowly tearing me apart. Seeing you everyday doesn't help either.

All I can do is admire you from afar, and it hurts to have to hide all the love I feel for you. I wish I could shout it from the mountain tops, but I can't because you'd hear me then. Who knows what you'd do or say? Would you yell, cry, scream at me relentlessly for ruining our 'friendship' with my feelings for you?

I wonder sometimes what you'd say if I showed you the letters I wrote directed at you.

Would you think it was a joke? Would you be mad at me? Would you tear every single paper apart while I held my tears in? So many scenarios fill in my head at the thought.

So, yeah, I cried in the girls locker room over you today, Dawson, but you'll probably never read this anyways.

You're too busy with your 'perfect girl.'

From,
Kindley.