Dear Dawson

Dear Dawson-32

  January 31.

  Dear Dawson, I saw Conner again today. It wasn't pleasant like it usually is seeing him, it was awful, like seeing an old friend that you'd wronged after years of not seeing him.

I had walked into "Denny's" very casually late at night to see him just out of the corner of my eye. My heart hammered in my chest roughly, shaking up my insides with a fierceness I'd never experienced before. I tried to act as if I hadn't noticed him at all, but I don't know if that worked. He was sat in a booth in the far left corner all alone. The seat beside him taunted me, urging me to sit there even though I knew it was a terrible idea.

I took in a deep breath, trying to breathe in all my emotions along with it. I walked up towards the front, seeking to tell the woman behind the counter my order. I was only wanting a small sweet tea, but tea didn't even seem worth staying when my eyes met him.

Because, even though I knew we were over, the world still stopped when he met my eyes.

I quickly looked away and turned around to leave, closing the door behind me. I couldn't take it. We were not officially over yet, but I knew that soon we would be.

I was just too much for him, and he couldn't take it. He deserved better.

I couldn't blame him for not wanting to be a part of my storm. I wouldn't want to either, but I didn't get a choice. I was a storm and he wasn't ready to die.

Well, I was.

I refused to cry as I walked away from the small brick building no matter how much I wanted to. I wouldn't lose my dignity by a stupid "Denny's."

I heard the distant sound of the front door of "Denny's" opening and closing, signaling that someone was now outside with me. I definitely couldn't cry now.

I figured it was just a staff member leaving or something like that, so I didn't pay much attention to it. I just continued walking until I felt a hand on my arm, stopping me from walking any further.

I immediately knew it was his hand.

"Kindley," he whispered sadly.

"Connor," I breathed out just as quiet. I wasn't sure what else to say, and I don't know if he knew either.

"W-we need to talk," he started, seeming nervous. I nodded slightly, encouraging him to continue whatever he was going to say. My heart was beating in my ears nervously, and for a moment, I questioned if I would even be able to hear him over the sound.

"I loved you, and I think you loved me too- at least, I was under that impression," he continued with a hint of sadness in his voice, "but people do change. They grow and mess up and get better and worse. They judge and hurt. Sometimes, even though two people love each other, they don't always have a happy ending. Let's be honest, those don't exist. Even if you think someone is fine and dandy, they're probably messed up. They're probably hurting or suffering or feel like they're completely alone even though they're not at all. They probably think no one cares even if everyone in their whole life does so much! Who knows who's fault that is? It doesn't even really matter, because when someone is suffering, that should be a huge concern to people."

There was a moment of silence. I was trying my best to hold back the threatening tears and Conner was watching me intently, a look I'd seen only a few times in his eyes. It was love.

"But it isn't, and that's really sad. It's reality, though. There aren't always happy endings- they're almost extinct, in fact- and no one is ever really fine when they say they are. There is so much prejudice and hate! But what for? Because, in the end, we are all just people struggling with the same thoughts, same problems, same insecurities. So, yeah, I love you so much, Kindley, but no one gets a happy ending. I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to be pulled into another storm."

And, with that, he walked away. I knew he was going to walk away eventually. It was for his own good.

I'm just a storm, and those are dangerous.

I wouldn't ask him to be pulled into my mess even though I knew I needed him so desperately. That wasn't fair to him.

So, I simply watched as he walked away from me and my messed up life.

Because this isn't some love story where we fall in love and live together forever with no problems, as much as I'd love for it to be that way.

It just isn't.

I live in a storm.

A storm that is soon going to consume me completely.

Love,
Kindley.

Authors Note: Relating so hard to this chapter. What about you?