I'll Be Holding on to You

complications

She shoved me but sat down on the bed, and I sat in the windowsill and lit a cigarette. She wrinkled her nose but didn't bitch. "Yes, I can probably get past it, if you can. If you can't, I can't either. No, we should not go over this with everyone right now; there is enough shit going on."

"Okay," I said, relieved. My phone buzzed. Thank you, just thank you.

"On the other hand, we don't do secrets, so we'll have to tell them soon." She sighed hugely. "My brother is going to flip out."

"Yes he is." I smoked and loved it. "Why did I ever quit smoking?"

"Uhhhhhh."

"Never mind, shut up."

Even though I didn't want to, we went back to Mara's around two. I felt anxious enough to vape practically an entire cbd cartridge. We sat in the car when we arrived, as was our thing upon arrival, apparently. 

"Dude," she said to me. "I say again: we do not need to ever see these people again if that's what you need. I don't give a fuck; I can't eat deli sandwiches anyway. You want to bail?"

I rolled my eyes at myself. "No, I'm dumb. Ignore me."

"You're not dumb," she said, with a glare. "Your subconscious is fucked enough without you adding to it."

"Thanks, Freak," I said sarcastically. "No, I don't want to go away forever from them." Did I?

"Okay, then we have to deal with this shit and get it over with. it's awkward, it's uncomfortable, it's bad fuckin' timing; it's everything we're used to."

I couldn't help the laugh that escaped me. "BLC fo' life." I held out my fist and she bumped it with hers.

We went to the door.

Mara opened it, looking a little better, but her eyes were swollen and red. "I'ma go talk to Gage," Erika said, avoiding whatever confrontation was bubbling below the surface between them after the previous night.

She looked at me and I hugged her and she returned it hard. "Kinda thought I wouldn't see you again," she admitted.

"I'm sorry," I said. "Everything's extra crazy right now."

We sat down. The sun was out, though weak. It wasn't warm. "I probably should have just waited to tell you."

"No," I said, lighting a cigarette. "You were right. I handled it badly."

"You didn't," she said forcefully. She put her hand on my knee, squeezed, and let go. "You handled it amazingly. Considering."

"Did you tell him?" I was asking about two things.

"He knows what happened last night, yes." She looked at her hands. "And after that I told him what you shared with me, yes. It was important. I'm sorry." She took the proffered cigarette. "I would never tell anyone else."

"It's okay," I said, because he had to know, though I hated that every time he looked at me he would probably think of what had been done to me. Although I guess it went both ways now. 

I hated my life sometimes. Other twenty-one-year-olds worried about how much alcohol they could consume without ending up in the ER, maybe paying rent or failing Chem 101 or getting pregnant from a one night stand after a frat party. Not us.

"Not really, I know, but here we are just the same." She took another drag and handed it back.

The nicotine was soothing. "How's he doing, this extra drama aside?" I was embarrassed about my reaction and the fact that he knew about it and that I'd caused him more angst. I wasn't looking forward to seeing him. I was actually dreading it a lot. 

"Meh." She shrugged. "Everything's really a mess. The store, the funeral shit, the body arrangements." She shuddered. "He can't even function. I'm in way over my head."

"Well, if there's one thing we know about, it's funeral shit, unfortunately," I said, dryly. I got my phone out because my brain was already going in sixteen directions. "Moey's the business guy, we can send him and Freddy to the store, Evie can stay with Cam." I texted Mo those things.

We got it all arranged and Mara went in to tell Gage. I stayed on the porch because I wasn't ready to deal with seeing him. Freak came out after a few minutes and sat with me. "You want to go home?"

I lit a cigarette. "Like I know what I want," I scoffed, mocking myself. "What's the plan?" I held it away from her so the smoke didn't blow in her face.

"They're gonna go meet the guys at the deli, try to figure some stuff out. You and I are on funeral plans. You up for that shit?"

"I am if we can do it at home," I said. I just had no reserves. "I don't really want to see Gage if I don't have to," I admitted. "I feel hella weird."

"He's not trippin'," she said, meaning it. But that in itself made me feel weirder because of the very fact they had discussed it. "But we can go. They're leaving soon anyway. I'll get the paperwork and shit we need." She stood and placed her hand on top of my head for a moment, then went back in.

I smoked.

She reemerged a minute later with Mara, holding a blue folder. They were a little stiff around each other but seemed to have gotten over it. 

I stood up and stepped down off the porch. "Welcome back," I said, because I am a dumbass and have no social skills whatsoever.

"We're gonna head over to the deli, you guys are headed home?" She hugged me. "Thanks for helping with all this. Both of you; I don't know how we would deal with it."

The door opened and Gage came out, dressed in black and jeans. Even exhausted he looked damn good. I was a bad person for thinking that, I knew it. Still.

He looked up and met my gaze, and his mouth quirked. "Hey," he said.

I felt my face get hot. I didn't know what to do or say. "I'm sorry about your dad. And for what happened last night. Just, sorry," was what came out. Erika squeezed my hand.

His face fell further, which I would have thought impossible. "No, don't be, I'm sorry it happened. You guys are great, we don't want to run you off."

"You're not," I said, letting go of Erika's hand because it was still in mine. "I get triggered easily. Obviously."

"Well, if it's any consolation, you're not the only one," he offered.

I could see how that would be true. It did help. "So we can like move on and everything? Help you get through this or whatever?"

"We would really appreciate that," he said, gratefully. "I don't know what else we'd do."

"'K, so we're gonna go home and," I gestured randomly. "Look into some stuff."

"Thank you," he said, and hugged Erika, which made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, all things considering. But I got over it and hugged Mara, and Gage and I just kind of nodded at each other awkwardly and we all got in our cars.

"Kill me now," I said as soon as she shut her door.

"Shut up, it was fine. As good as could be expected," she amended.

"No," I said, shaking my head. "No, just kill me now."

She laughed. "You did well, Dory; I'm proud of you. That was awful. But you did it. With grace, nonetheless."

"Yeah, I'll probably change my name to Grace," I said, because I'm a smart ass, but her words helped.