I'll Be Holding on to You

complications

In the morning I had twenty-two texts and a different view of the situation. I checked on Cam and then got back in bed and read through them. They were all versions of the same thing. The only one that mattered was He saved my life then and more than once since.

I was familiar with that kind of bond. I could also look at it a lot more objectively after having slept and had time to get used to it, as much as one can.

"It wasn't his fault," I said as soon as Erika opened her eyes at noon.

She just stared groggily while she processed that. "No," she said finally. "It wasn't." She closed her eyes again. "We're gonna do this now?"

"I mean, thirteen is old enough to know better, right? But that church shit is like, a cult, right? They really do brainwash people. I mean, kids only know what they're raised to know, right?" I didn't know if I was making an excuse for him or trying to reason it out or what the fuck was going on.

"I agree," she said, slowly. "I think it was just fuckin' abuse across the board, that he didn't have a choice. I mean, running away and shit kind of speaks fuckin' volumes, to me. Yeah?" I nodded. "And talking her into leaving after she'd been there five months? Couldn't have been easy. But it was right."

No wonder the world was so fucked up, the way people mistreated children. 

I realized how strong and how . . . good they must be, intrinsically, to have escaped that and still remained such amazing people. Not turned into Hannahs.

"I hate complications," I groaned. "I just want things to be normal. Because it's all about me."

"Shut up. No one thinks that. Fuck, how could this not be super awkward. For everyone." She shook her head. "In fact, we should probably just go back to bed."

"Haha, no. We are not." I pushed back the covers and got up, pulling on my pajama bottoms from my floordrobe. Freak started reading my texts. "Hey," I said, halfheartedly.

She raised an eyebrow at me and held out the phone, looking a little embarrassed.

"Dude, I'm just kidding. Really?" I shook my head at her. Like we had secrets. I had already told Mara not to text me sexy shit.

"Like I care," she said haughtily, but finished going through. "Jesus, though. She's got a point."

"I mean, and there's the time she took the pills and then called him so I guess he saved her then, too." I flipped my head upside down to put my hair in a ponytail on top of my head, though pieces of it fell down my neck. "Want to buy long hair again," I complained.

"Shut up, your hair's adorable." She got out of bed, reluctantly. "Ughhh, fuck getting up."

"Dude, it's noon. C'mon. Be a person."

She gave me a dirty look. "Right, that's the incentive I was fuckin' looking for, oh wait no it's not."

I looked at my phone. I felt bad. I hated being in the position I was in, but I was used to that particular feeling. I'm not tripping. I'm sorry I didn't handle that better. We'll talk later, I texted Mara, not really wanting to and knowing I would never see Gage the same way again. "Can you just look past it?" I asked before we went downstairs. "Also, are we sharing this right now with everyone or what?"

"I look like a fuckin' oracle or something?" She raised an eyebrow. "I don't know, and I don't know. How's that?"

"Not helpful, but about as expected."