I'll Be Holding on to You

people do

tw/ talk of sexual abuse/extreme homophobia

We were hanging out at Mara's again and she was messing with her computer, which was connected to the TV, though it was currently blank.

Gage was doing a crossword puzzle with Erika, and noticed the TV come on with no picture. "Whatcha doin', Mar," he said suddenly, suspicious.

"Nothing," she lied, winking at me.

"Why don't I believe that," he muttered.

She held up a cord. "I'm DJ Spooky Jim." I grinned at the Josh Dun reference.

It was dark, raining, and pretty cozy in her place. She was drinking coffee and the rest of us had bottled sodas presumably laced with Love Potion Number 9. Music began as she queued the video and immediately Gage put his hands over his face.

Freak and I looked at each other in anticipation and amusement.

It was him maybe five years before, with two other guys, and they were good. Really good. Excellent. Naturals. They would have given us a run for our money. I mean, we would have taken first over them in a competition, but that was just a given. We always did. It was the bond we had, so we were one step beyond synchronized.

"I hate you, Mara." Gage was red and smirking.

"You totally want them to see how good you are," she scoffed. "You ain't gotta lie to kick it."

He just shook his head but you could tell it was true. "We weren't even that good then."

"No, you're amazing," I said honestly. "The expressions on your face, oh my God. I can't even."

Erika nodded. "Dory needs that How to Even book. Who's your choreographer?" The clip ended and another was loading. She filled in a couple of words but I knew she was holding back, which was difficult for her. She liked to fly through the puzzles. "Or do I even have to ask?" She nudged him in a way that was way more familiar than my heart was comfortable with.

I swear he blushed harder. So cute. "I mean," he faltered.

"It was him," Mara said. "I helped, but mostly Mr. Talented here." She leaned over to fix a cord that was in the way, giving me a full and probably intentional view of of her boobs. Her shirt was navy blue and had six tiny buttons, not that I had counted them a thousand times, or imagined unbuttoning them, or anything.

"I didn't have a lot of friends," he confessed, which I found hard to believe.

"You did after this," she said pointedly, nodding at the screen. A new one started, with them on stage in LA and people screaming. It was more recent.

"When was that?" I asked, putting my feet on the coffee table and crossing my ankles as she came to sit by me. My socks were pink and had pigs on them because I like socks that have stuff on them, when it was cold enough to need them.

"Like, what, three years ago?" he asked her. I liked how they checked things out with each other all the time, because they'd been friends for so long. It reminded me of my friends.

"Yeah, it was in September, because classes had just started."

Right before Robbie. I shivered a little to think how three years ago meant something totally innocent to them, when it spelled nothing but death and destruction for us.

"It was the last time we performed onstage," he said regretfully. "I miss it."

"I miss it, too," Erika offered. "I dream about it all the time."