I'll Be Holding on to You

after

MORE A/N AND TRIGGER WARNINGS--details/discussion of assault, and what happens to Robbie

Just see the summary at the end of the chapter if you are passing on reading.

When I woke up from reliving that hell, I was alone in bed and badly shaken. I tried not to ever think about that night and all the things I could have done differently, or what had been done to us. How it was the thing that finally broke Hadley for good. It was a year later that she took the sleeping pills, and honestly, I didn't blame her at all. Robbie may have paid with his life, but so had Hadley.

"Fuck this shit," I said out loud. I sat up and reached for my pipe, which was packed with sativa heavy bud. "Fuck," I said again, unable to shake the nightmare. I smelled bacon and coffee and I wanted so much to not be alone but I couldn't go downstairs yet and pretend to be a person. I desperately wanted Hadley, in the way you wake up from a nightmare about someone and need to talk to that person to make sure they didn't really die like in your dream. I texted Cam where are you.

A minute later the door opened and he came in, sleepy, his hair in his face. I felt some of the tension go out of my chest and he crawled under the covers, snuggling up to me. "Warm," he said, contentedly. He looked at me, inches away, so strange with one blue eye and one green, though of course I was used to it. "You rang?" Bowser jumped up and circled several times to tramp down the invisible snow, then collapsed with a doggy sigh.

I shrugged, not wanting him to know how shaken I was. "Bad dreams," I said. "Nightmares." I shook my head. "Can't shake it."

He wrapped an arm around me, crushing my head to his chest gently, and kissed my head. "Smoke more," he suggested. "Also, fuck nightmares. That shit can't touch you." He let go and gestured to my pipe. "Nothing can touch you, bb," he said simply, because somehow he believed it. Like I hadn't also been broken by Robbie. And I loved him for it.

"I love you," I said, inexplicably feeling a little better.

He smiled, glad to cheer me up. "Course you do," he said. "I'm your best friend forever. We're totes magotes."

I shoved him but not hard and smoked some more, sharing it. I was dying for a cigarette. It made me get out of bed. I opened the window halfway and warm air came in. "Damn, summer, enough already." I tucked myself into the sill and lit a cigarette. "Thank you, Jesus," I said exhaling. I looked at Cam, falling asleep in my bed. "If I ever want to stop smoking again, slap me."

"Mmm," he agreed.

I saw it was only ten. "You're up early."

"Not for long," he said, yawning. "Come back to bed."

I made a face at him. "You just want my warmth."

"True."

By the time I finished the cigarette he was asleep again. "Dammit," I grouched. My mind was still on that night with a tenacity that would stay with me until I allowed the rest to play in my head. It was a fucked up side effect of my unique memory. I lit another cigarette and allowed the movie of that night to continue playing.

******

Erika stayed with us, which still surprises me when I look back because she was always the first one to jump into a fight and the first person in this grim dark fairy tale I thought would be kicking in teeth. Literally.

Instead she was there when we were ready to try to wash off, with soap for us and then warm towels and then somehow hot chocolate and also brandy. And she maybe cried the whole time but so did we. And it somehow helped.