My Love is a Star (BTS Suga Fanfiction)

29. Bargaining

What is Bargaining?

"We become lost in a maze of "If only..." or "What if..." statements. We want life returned to what it was; we want our loved ones restored. We want to go back in time: if only, if only, if only.

Guilt is often bargaining's companion. The "if only's" cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we "think" we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt.

People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another.

We do not enter and linearly leave each individual stage. We may feel one, then another, and back again to the first one." (David Kessler)

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SUGA'S POV

My days have been unusually long but my nights were exhaustingly longer. I couldn't sleep at all. Beer and soju have been my sleeping pills for the past few weeks. The number of bottles just seems to increase night after night.

I sat on the floor by the sofa. Empty bottles were scattered all over the table and the floor. I downed my eleventh bottle and I could feel numbness on my cheeks. I put the bottle on top of the table but it tumbled over. I tried to catch it but it fell to the floor with the rest of them. I laughed to myself.

I let it fall.

Just like what I did to her.

My blurry vision made it impossible to scan through my phone so I threw it away. I reached over to the last soju on the pack.

"Yeoldu!" I gave a toast to myself. I was miserable. Thoughts of her have been filling up my system all day. Our pictures in my phone would have melted already from all the staring I do from dusk till dawn.

My emotions have been taking a toll on me. At first, I was okay or I thought I was. Being around the kids has given me relief only for so long until these feelings suddenly reached the surface. I was angry all the time it consumed me. Everything just pissed me off. My temper was out of control and what makes it worse is I was dragging the rest of the kids into this nightmare I'm in.

If  I could relive that moment.

If only I didn't let fear eat me up.

If only I was man enough to fight for what I wanted.

If only I have never let her go.

She would still be in my arms right now. I'd be feeding off from the scent of her hair to the warmth of her touch to the sweetness of her kisses.

If only...

The list just goes on and on...

My eyes were heavy from the tears but I refuse to let them fall. Until I felt three people sit on the sofa around me. Jin, Jhope, and RM.

"Talk to us man. Stop keeping it all to yourself. "

Jin placed another pack of soju on the table.

"I'll be drinking for you only for this ..whatever this is you're going through,"  Jhope said in his usual cheerful voice.

I smiled and the tears came falling like rain showers. One after the other, they brought warmth to my numbed cheeks. I didn't wanna fight it anymore. These guys have stood by me even if I was beyond acceptable. They didn't deserve the monster that I was.

I sobbed. I rocked myself back and forth trying to find even just a bit of comfort.

"I'd do anything to have her back. I know you don't understand but she just means a lot. She means everything to me." I said in between sobs.

"If I could just take it all back, I wouldn't have let her leave. I would have asked her to stay here with me. I would find a way to make it all okay. I'd even talk to Bang PD. Arrgghh. I don't know what to think of anymore.."

I rested my head in my arms.

I just want to stop feeling.

Is that even possible? Because there's seems to be no end to this pain I'm having.

I'm tired.

I just want to fade away.

To be continued...