Namjoon picked up Taehyung, who started- "Um, babe? I think he's growling at me. Is that supposed to happen? Is he supposed to do that? Did I break him?"
***
Namjoon, father of six, tries his best...although his kids don't exactly make it easy for h...
"And Tae...he's always tried to be older somehow, to protect me and Kookie...but it's really hard on him, having to look out for us. And he feels guilty because he wasn't there that day, the day I......he feels guilty still, and it makes me feel guilty, because I don't know how I'm supposed to make him feel better or how to thank him for helping find me or anything...I don't want to cause him any more trouble because if I were stronger, none of this would have happened...I don't know...I just feel like...I have so much to live up to...for his sake...and I feel like I can't fill that hole, not now, not ever...and I feel so bad for hurting him and ruining his relationship with Kookie, even though they fixed it...it's all my fault...
"And Kookie...Kookie...there is so much to say about Kookie...I made him miserable when we were kids because I took all the attention, and even when I was gone, he still felt unloved because he thought everyone blamed him, and maybe some of them did, only he didn't deserve to feel like he was unwanted...and then...he told me a lot of things...hurtful things...saying he blamed me for everything...and even now, I can't help but think that maybe he was right...and if he was right about one thing, maybe he was right about all of them...and I don't know how I'm supposed to live with myself knowing that everything is my fault, that it's always been my fault...why do they love me if I ruin everything?
"But...there's more...I just...I can't live up to their expectations. It's too much. I'm not the old Jimin. I'm just me, but I don't know if they see that. They said that they love me, but do they meant the old me, or me me? Why would they love me? But it's not just that, there are other things I can't do...like how I can't seem to catch up to Kookie and Tae. They're off at school, and I'm stuck at home, trying to learn, trying to make myself smarter, but every time I get something wrong, it all just feels so hopeless, so pointless...I don't even know if I want to go to school...but I hate being alone, feeling like the odd one out, like everyone else is part of some secret club that I'm not allowed into. I want to be with them, but I just feel like there's so much that I can't just ignore...We're all pretending like it never happened, like the last five years didn't exist, but they did, and I can't just ignore them, even if everyone else wants to."
Jimin rubbed at his eyes, having gotten all of his words and feelings out. He felt a little better, a little less empty. He heard shouts and giggles from the other room, and he exhaled, biting his upper lip. "I'm sorry, I have to go," he said into the phone softly, delicately. Then he hung up, set the phone back on its hook, and left Namjoon's room.
***
"Who was it?" Hobi asked while flexibly stretching his left foot to yellow, and as his shirt rode up his stomach, Jimin couldn't take his eyes off of the ribs that showed ever so slightly.
"It was Dad," Jimin said before sitting down on the couch, trying to avoid the other question he knew would come.
"Why were you crying?" Tae asked, squinting at Jimin suspiciously as he looked at Jimin's red eyes.
"I accidentally flipped off the light switch and it scared me," Jimin mumbled, and Tae smirked before reaching over and tickling Jimin, who squealed and twisted, only Hobi leaped up from the Twister game to join in, and soon enough, they were just one big pile, all tickling each other (only nobody tickled Yoongi because they didn't want to get hurt).
And in that big mess, Jimin forgot about all of their problems. He forgot that Jin couldn't get rid of his ghost, he forgot that Yoongi couldn't trust others, he forgot that Hobi couldn't eat, he forgot that Taehyung couldn't be a kid, he forgot that Jungkook couldn't resolve his guilt. He forgot how fake he felt, like a replacement part when the better part - the original - had stopped working. He forgot how much he struggled to feel like he was adequate. He forgot the words that still haunted him, how he'd stolen the love Jungkook had deserved, how he'd taken the hyungs away from Jungkook, how he'd been the reason their mother had left.
He forgot about all of that, because in the middle of the pile, he felt like he was part of it. Like he mattered. Like nobody could replace him, no matter who he was.
He didn't feel like "the one that got abducted."
He felt like Jimin.
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