Single Father • Namjoon + BTS!Kids

lxxxviii.

"No," Namjoon repeated, sighing as he set his hand on the window, imagining someone else, a different Namjoon, a younger Namjoon, a happier Namjoon, a more peaceful Namjoon, meeting his fingers on the other side. "No, I can't...I could never love someone who could do something so horrible to so many innocent kids who didn't deserve it."

"What about you, Namjoon? Didn't she do something horrible to you too?" Lisa asked, but it wasn't out of a desire to get Namjoon to love her back anymore. She just couldn't help but sympathize with him. She wanted to know, wanted to know how he felt, even after all these years, about the single event that had set the rest into motion.

"I..." Namjoon breathed out unevenly. "My kids, they're the most important. I don't...I can't..."

"Namjoon, look at me," Lisa said. She'd never heard so much pain in his voice, except when Jimin had been missing.

Namjoon shook his head, leaning his forehead against the car window, squeezing his eyes shut in a vain attempt to hold back tears, tears that he'd never let himself cry, tears for himself and not for his children. "I gave her everything...I did my best...I know it wasn't enough, I know that now, but...she was everything to me...I thought...I..." He swallowed. "I invested everything into that relationship, Lisa. All of me, every part. Every secret no one else knew, every fear I couldn't let anybody else know. She knows me more than anyone else. I gave myself to her, and she...she...wanted someone else instead...even though...even...What happened to love? What happened to marriage meaning something? What happened to all of that? Was it real? Was it ever real? Why couldn't she love me?"

Lisa didn't know how to answer his questions. She was angry, in a sense, that some woman had had a chance to have Namjoon as hers and she'd wasted it entirely while Lisa wasn't allowed to even try. Lisa shook her head.

This isn't about you, Lisa.

This is about Namjoon.

This is about a close friend of yours who is in pain.

Lisa hesitantly hugged him, not squeezing too tightly because a hug as a friend was incredibly painful for her in ways she hadn't known it could be. "It's okay, Namjoon. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't have to. One day..." Lisa swallowed, clenching her jaw.

I can be strong for a few more minutes.

"One day you'll find someone you're willing to invest in, someone you're willing to trust with your everything again."

"But I don't have anything to give them," Namjoon whispered, and Lisa just shrugged, smiling sadly.

"Then they'll take your nothing. They'll love you for whoever you are and whatever you have. Maybe you're not ready right now, but maybe...maybe you will be in the future, and then you'll meet that person, and..."

Lisa pulled back, retracting her arms from Namjoon. She just couldn't do it anymore. Telling him that someone else will love him when she was right there, six inches away.

"I'm sorry, Namjoon," she said quietly. "I meant what I said but I can't...I can't be around you right now, I need to...go home..."

Namjoon turned to look at Lisa. "Why me?" he asked, and she froze.

"You have a nice face," she said straightforwardly, trying to sound casual, like he wasn't that big of a deal to her, like she only admired his physical qualities instead of every facet of his character that made him into the man she loved.

But Namjoon knew, somehow, that she wasn't being honest.

Lisa swallowed. "You...the way you take care of your kids...it's absolutely selfless, unconditional love. It's beautiful. You'd do anything for them. And I guess...I started to wonder...what it would be like...to have someone be that devoted to me, to love me so much that they would search for me to the ends of the earth, never giving up, always believing in me...and I realized that it was something I wanted more with each passing day." She laughed, embarrassed, blinking quickly so her eyes didn't appear wet. "I know that sounds like I only love you for your kids, but that's not it. I just wanted to know what it would feel like for me to be something you cared about, I guess." She held up a hand defensively, waving it in the air. "It's stupid, I know. I'm sorry-"

"You know more than anyone how I'm barely holding myself, my family, together," Namjoon interrupted, and Lisa paused, shocked, before nodding slowly. "You've seen me at my worst, when I was dying inside and outside every day that Jimin wasn't in my arms. You've seen that, and you still..."

Lisa smiled, heartbroken, at him. "That's what love is, Namjoon. It's messy and a little blind at times."

Namjoon hesitated, confusion on his face. "Can I..." He hesitated for a long moment before moving his hand up to Lisa's cheek. She stood still, stark against the dark night, as she felt his finger tips gently caress her cheek. Namjoon bit his lip before slowly moving closer to Lisa and placing his lips on hers.

The kiss was hesitant, unsure, not at all how Lisa had imagined it, but it was real, and that had never been a part of her imagination either.

Namjoon pulled back, frowning slightly. "I'm sorry, I'm not...I haven't...The last woman I kissed was my wife, and that was years ago, so I'm not...I'm sorry if you didn't want me to do that. I just wanted to remember what it was like."

"What what is like? Kissing?" Lisa asked, unable to hold back a smirk, but Namjoon shook his head, serious.

"Feeling someone love you, emotionally and physically," he said, and Lisa just stared at him.

"Namjoon..." She held her breath, scared to be rejected twice in the same night. "You deserve to be loved, not just by your kids as a father, but by someone as yourself. I want to be that person, Namjoon, if you'd let me."

Namjoon tilted his head slightly, clenching his jaw. "I don't know, Lisa. My heart is locked up."

"I'll unlock it," she answered immediately.

"You don't have the key," he said, and she shook her head.

"No. You do. And if you'd hand it over, I'd unlock your heart in a second."

Namjoon was quiet. He knew that the key they were talking about wasn't just an imaginary object.

It was his trust, his faith, his love.

Could he hand that over to someone?

Lisa didn't say anything. She knew that Namjoon had to make the decision on his own. She wouldn't pressure him. Yes, no, she'd take the answer and go with it. She'd be brave. It might hurt, but she would deal with the pain when it came.

Namjoon finally met Lisa's eyes, and he opened his mouth.

Lisa winced.

What is he going to tell me?